Scripted Spontaneity

hmmm...what am i gonna do again?

2008-09-08T13:10:00.002+08:00

ever since i got pregnant, i've been forewarned that (1) i will lose my sense of balance, and (2) i will soon be forgetful. and boy, has warning #2 taken effect.

i open my google page and as soon as i attempt to type, i immediately forget what i was supposed to search for. just yesterday, i went down the escalator then i asked myself, "what am i going down for again?" grrr...it just gets so frustrating!

as i've read in 'What to Expect When You're Expecting,' pregnant women become absentminded more and more as the pregnancy progresses. oh well, since i can't list down everything i want to do, i might as well deal with it, hoping it won't get worse. hihi.

yes, i'm still alive

2008-09-05T21:49:00.005+08:00

after 2 years and 2 months, i have successfully reclaimed my blog. i have no idea what happened, one day i just could not log in. anyway, since i missed all the blog-worthy posts during my 'sabbatical,' i'll just recount the more important events...

2007
hmmm...2007. got engaged in june of 2007. the mr.king and i spent our long weekend in Cebu. the 'proposal dinner' was in Shangri-la Mactan's Cowrie Cove: very, very romantic. i can't say i didn't expect the proposal, though, but it's always a fun little story to recount. i might just write about it when i have the free time.

so after every engagement comes the hectic wedding planning. and i guess that's how the rest of the year came to pass. i was my very own wedding planner and my OC-ness had never been put to the test until that phase in my life. :)

2008
got married on my birthday (February 15) so that forgetting the anniversary will hopefully never be an issue. haha. of course, that's not the real reason. but if you ask me what is, i probably won't be able to give a straight answer. i think i just like my birthday very much. haha.

the wedding was, to us, as solemn and as intimate as we had wanted it to be. the reception was very simple and the food was overflowing! the only downside, personally, was that i got my period a few minutes before i had to wear my wedding gown. can you believe that? haaaay...i guess that's better than getting it as you step out of the bridal car. hehe. :)

so after the wedding, we headed to Bangkok, Thailand for some much needed R&R. a month and a half later, we headed of to the US for a longer vacay. we went to LA, San Diego, San Francisco, Dallas, Portland, and Seattle. and apparently, i was already pregnant at the time, i just didn't know it! we were in Dallas when i finally took the pregnancy test, and the day after, as my luck would have it, i got dapa in the brick roads of Texas. tsk, tsk, tsk...

so now, i'm 6 months pregnant and i sometimes can't believe that soon there'll be a little one in the house. i mean, i've always been fond of kids and i've always been fascinated with pregnant women. in fact, when i was younger, i'd be caught stuffing my shirt with a pillow just so i can imagine myself being pregnant. and now i don't have to pretend anymore! there's definitely a linebacker inside my tummy!

2008 is really a year of good life changes for me. i got married, got pregnant, got to travel for a much longer time frame than the usual...ahhh...the life. never mind if i had to be on bedrest for 3 weeks with no DSL and no helper (that episode deserves a separate post). things really do turn out well in the end. and who knows, maybe i just might give birth in 2008 (forget the Jan 2 due date).

and in 2009, when February 15 comes, i'll be celebrating my birthday and my husband and i will be celebrating our anniversary. hmmm...we might just have the little one baptized on February 15, too. :)

TGIF

2006-07-07T08:55:00.000+08:00

what can i say, time does fly fast. i spent tuesday and wednesday in UN for a training then yesterday, i did a few things in preparation for our Bataan trip tomorrow. but then, if we'll only be given 15 minutes to talk, then i don't think the trip will push through.

anyway, there's really not much to blog about except for the very mundane things i do. like after work yesterday, i went to the gym donning my new workout top. i so hate the african dance in body jam. i mean, do we really have to? this whole body jam 37 is the most tiring i've ever attended. i swear, i end up with buckets of perspiration. maybe it's all the jumping, spinning, turning, and i-don't-know-what-else. oh well, at least it really is calorie-burning, huh?

when i got home last night, i watched the semifinal match between sharapova and mauresmo in wimbledon. i rooted for amelie like i was her coach, mind you. i didn't want maria to win! and she didn't! she should have lost earlier in the 3rd set had she not won 2 games straight to make it to 4-2. well, she never won another game after that and lost 6-3,3-6,6-2.

i hope that today will pass as swiftly as the rest of the work week. i want to lie down in bed and turn up some smooth music while the rain splashes softly on my roof.

sunday splurge

2006-07-03T17:42:00.000+08:00

i am a firm believer that if you want to save, don't go to the mall.

i thought yesterday was just going to be a typical sunday for me and my mom--lunch, window shopping, mass, window shopping,then dinner. but nooooo... we had lunch at oliver's, headed straight to essenses because i needed foot petals. i swear, these are the greatest friends of shoe lovers! i got haute heelz (supposedly, these are heel cushions but they can also be used to protect toes/toenails especially if you like wearing closed, pointed shoes), then shoe stopperz (which are anti-skid stick-ons to ensure you won't slip when there's rain), strappy strips (for my slingbacks), and killer kushionz (to protect your heel all the way to the ball of your foot, preventing toe scrunch). aaaaahhhh...i love them! not to mention that these products come in a variety of colors: rose, buttercup, silver rose, and black iris. as the tag line of the product goes: your feet don't have to suffer to be beautiful. so true. but i also say, beauty doesn't come cheap. for the things that i bought, i had to spend a little over P1,800. for girls who want more info, log on to www.footpetals.com

on the way to greenbelt, i saw a very pretty red nike workout top. and since i've irregularly gone to the gym over these past few months, i thought a new wardrobe would be enough motivation. i bought without fitting it. i'm so psyched!

my mom and i then went to beauty bar. we bought conditioner and a gift set (for ourselves) all from burt's bees. i love burt's bees products (go check www.burtsbees.com)! the good thing about our trip to beauty bar was that we convinced the salesladies that since we bought a lot yesterday and two sundays before that when in fact, our suki was really beauty bar shangri-la, they should give us some big token (of appreciation for our switching loyalties). and they did! i cannot believe that they gave us the diary they had people spending 10k in beauty products last year just to get it! good thing i didn't finish my stamps last year, otherwise i'd be lugi. my problem now is that i have 3 diaries and a pda. and i don't even have anything to do. go figure.

a few meters away from beauty bar stood nine west in its we-are-on-sale-glory. the thing is, i just bought shoes 3 weeks ago because all my other shoes gave up on me. i wasn't really planning on buying a new pair, what with my ralph lauren splurge last week. but then! i was eyeing this pair for all of a year and a half already, and there it was! in my size! at 70% off! can you believe it? it was screaming buy-me-mecki-i'm-only-P1395!!! well, as my mom put it, it would be injustice not to buy it. and so i did.

well, that ends my impulse buying sunday streak. i will leave all my bpi cards at home the next time. haha. i wish.

love means never having to say ________

2006-06-28T07:37:00.000+08:00

back when i was 13 or 14, my boyfriend told me i didn't have to thank him for the "good deeds" he did for me like opening the car door, driving me home, helping me carry my things, etc. when i asked him why, he said that it was because these things were already expected of him as a boyfriend so i didn't have to thank him as i would a stranger or a friend. since i was younger than he was, and i didn't know any better, i happily played along. hey, it was fun to be pampered like that, you know. as i've always said, there's nothing like being with a perfect gentleman.

now, 10 years after, i am faced with some sort of righteous indignation at how sometimes, even when things are kind of already expected of you given the multiple roles you assume in life--daughter, girlfriend, friend, what have you, you never get the 'thank you' you deserve. and i mean not only in the verbal sense of being appreciated, but perhaps, in other manifestations of basic courtesy and gratitude.

of course, it's absurd to thank people for everything good they do for us, right? because if that were the case, we'd all constantly be thanking our mothers. however, i think what i'm trying to say is that sometimes, not all the time, we have to let people know or feel, that we appreciate their presence in our lives. i guess the need to feel dearly valued when you put so much of yourself out there is but an expression of the basic human condition--that there is a sense of brokenness in all of us, a constant tugging of the 'who we are' and the 'who we want to be.' i guess in the end, all we want is an affirmation that we, in all the roles we play, are making our own imprints in somebody else's life. i don't think that is too much to ask.

WHY?

2006-06-27T07:27:00.000+08:00

i have recently hypothesized that some people have a natural nurturing instinct, while others just want to be looked after. some people always put another person first, while others just care about themselves. moreover, for those who only want to be taken care of, their number one consideration in finding a life partner is, undoubtedly, that person's ability to take care of them.

well, all i can say to those who just want to be taken care of is this: if you ever find somebody who will give an arm and a leg just to put you first, it might be to your advantage if you appreciated that person.

the thing is, even after all your good deeds, you aren't allowed even one outburst of pure, raw emotion stemming from a deeper and hidden desire to also be taken care of, in whatever small way possible. fat chance and tough luck, i say to you.

june musings

2006-06-21T14:00:00.000+08:00

i feel like it's been such a long time since i last posted an entry here. my internet connection, though "unlimited," is so weird i can't connect at home.

anyway, so june. the first week marked the beginning of my stint here in Marketing. i like it here, though it seemed to me that they didn't know what to do with me at first. eventually, i found myself doing some stuff, menial they may be, but something to be preoccupied with for the time being nonetheless. the second week was spent entirely in UN for several trainings i attended by myself (meaning i was either with agents or other Philam group employees). i would never imagine that i would miss being in UN. i think i missed the CTDD girls in UN. aaaawwww... they're like sisters! now, on my third week, martin put me in charge of a forum to be held this saturday. so i guess, this is work already. not to mention that i'm also coordinating the new batch of mappers' immersion here this Friday, only because i'm the newbie here and everybody else has better things to do than coordinate with HR...hihi...but hey, i like being a pointperson, especially with the mappers. i have to get used to their calling me 'ate' though.

during the long weekend, i went to Batangas/Tagaytay with my boyfriend, his mom, and his sister. ah. i thought it was going to be horrible to spend a night with his sister. heck, i even imagined her suffocating me with a pillow the second i fell asleep, but as they say, look at the brighter side of things, and i guess she wasn't so bad at all. i'm not out to steal her precious brother, anyway. i think i already got him bad...hahaha

what else? hmmm... oh i know! i finally got to meet ve's new boy (she's going to kill me when she reads this...) he's nice, which is great news for my friend who's been to hell and back on her own doing. the four of us, my mom included, ate at max brenner's last sunday and when ve and i went to the washroom, he told my mom that he was surprised to find out that somebody as pretty as ve didn't have a boyfriend. ah..i wanted to smack him in the head. there are lots of women like that out there!!! i, myself, am wondering how these women end up being single for a long time. i remember saying before, whenever i saw somebody unattractive but attached (and most especially if she's fat, i know i'm bad, so sue me), "why does she have a boyfriend??!!" oh well, as i always tell myself, it's not all about beauty. there's also personality to speak of. however, the most baffling thing about this whole thing is that there are 'it' girls out there who are still unattached! some would say it's because these girls are intimidating and have high standards. oh well, i'm just grateful i have somebody i can drag to a cheezy chick flick when i want to.

***

i can't believe it's going to be july next week. we're in the second half, so to speak. sometimes i wish time would breeze by as swiftly as possible, bringing me to some place i want to be. some state of mind, perhaps. but i guess time isn't the element i have to go against here. i don't know. i'm typing random thoughts. i never do that.

***

i don't what else to blog about. there's really not much going on with me. it's a mundane existence of work and after-work. unless my life will turn "unexpectedly" one of these months... i wish this time it's for real.

post hibernation thoughts

2006-05-20T15:57:00.000+08:00

i'm done hibernating.

i've spent the last two months or so reviewing for two LOMA exams that i took last week. thank god it's all over. i won't touch another LOMA book for another 4 months. YEY!

also, i've been "busy" working with Jack in what i still call a hush-hush project. we're keeping it under wraps for the time being, though when it's ready to be brought out in the open, i'll be done with the program and most probably be in makati already. i hope.

Jack's probably the best boss anyone can have. i mean, this guy, for all that he's accomplished and for all the glory that goes with being high up in the corporate ladder, is the most considerate person in the world. he asks me for a personal deadline and i try to impress him by giving him an early date (sometimes too early that i want to smack my own head against the wall) and he gives me allowance just in case i need more time! he probably thinks i'm an overachiever. haha. well, i'm just following orders from mr. sotelo, who told us to impress the expat.

when Jack sets a meeting with me, he tells me what time he's going to get back in the office, and tells me he would call to see if that time works for me! can you imagine? too bad i can only work with him till the end of the month.

i can't believe that the program is almost over. i can still remember the very first day we walked into the office and chose cubicles and got to match names with faces. i am so going to miss the training girls--the extended breakfasts and lunches, chikas about our men, chats about our AI bets, texts about anything under the sun, after-office get togethers, and everything else that goes with finding 5 fabulous girlfriends. the year-long training would not have been fun if not for them.

friends are always great to have. and great friends are the best finds ever. last night, i had a 3 1/2-hour dinner with my college girlfriends. gaile's in the US and jeli was in cavite (though we did do a live phone patch with her) so it was just me, dwen, maan, and lovebird addie (hihi...i just had to get that in). we were at cozy TOSH near pearl drive and i must say, i feel very blessed to have these girls for friends! it's been 6 years now since we first made our own introductions at ORSEM and after all the sleepless nights we had doing papers and projects, long sessions of heartbreak talk, debuts, after-midterm-dinners, i can only look forward to more years of friendship.

sometime during my hiatus, i also went to Bataan with my beau and his friends. it feels nice to belong to his own set of friends, and i know that if it doesn't work out between the two of us (yes, i'm pragmatic now, thanks to ms. agnes) i am going to miss his friends, too.

***

it's a lazy saturday afternoon and i'm all alone in the house. michael buble is keeping me company and the gloomy weather makes me sentimental. about what? well, i don't know exactly. i think i'm out of sorts. good luck.

***

i've recently started to cook. not for anything else, but for my own good, i guess. it's about time perhaps, to be a little more domesticated. hihi.

***

i guess that's all for now. life's pretty steady.

i'm still alive

2006-04-28T19:56:00.000+08:00

yeah, i'm still alive. but it's too hot here in my room to even think so i'll be lazy and opt to just post an excerpt of the song that best describes my summer sentiment...

I need love
The kind that makes you wanna live
The kind that makes you wanna breathe
The kind that makes you feel too much

oh well. i really do need love.

carbo-loading

2006-03-31T21:40:00.000+08:00

i am one big blob of carbohydrate.

when i say i carbo-loaded today, i really, really did. i feel like i have a movie to make wherein i have to be as big as bridget jones. oh my lord. just to give you an idea of how i took the term carbo-loading to the extreme, here's what i ate:

half rice and sweet and sour fish balls for breakfast
a cheese roll from Conti's given by Ms. Gladys shortly after breakfast
a cheese naan from Bread Talk for lunch
a big Japanese sweet corn for lunch (that is because i devoured the cheese naan right after i bought it and thus, it didn't even last me the whole trek back to the office)
assorted junk food that i alternated with my corn
a big banana choco chip walnut muffin given by Ms. Lanie within an hour after lunch
4 ding dong mini foil packs given by Ms. Agnes after the muffin
a few pieces of Ms. Gladys' junk food in between the ding dong foil packs
a bite of Applewerm that i gave to my mom an hour after the ding dongs
a full meal, meaning i ate rice, at Tokyo Tokyo another hour after the Applewerm

there you have it. i now understand why the diet experts advise their clients to keep a food diary. i feel so disgusted now! not to mention, fat! and to think that the whole week, i subsisted on perhaps, less than 1,000 calories a day. oh, well. oh, well. tomorrow: GYM!!!

***

i am so relieved that the weather's pretty bearable now with the rain and "cool" breeze. unfortunately, jack isn't around to enjoy it. and when jack isn't around, well, there's also no work for me. the good thing about that, however, is that i got to prepare for my monday review class. can you imagine, i have 8 chapters to discuss in a matter of an hour and 30 minutes. that is, if all my participants would arrive at 4:30pm. but that wasn't the case last monday. we started at 4:55pm, because of course, i dare not start promptly at 4:30pm with only 2 participants, right? i hope that for this monday, though, it will be more fun. i don't plan on discussing the chapters one by one anymore. i'm not an idiot! it's supposed to be a review class. the assumption being that they already know what i'm going to talk about. and that is why i prepared sample questions so that we can just go through them and discuss whatever concerns they may have. that's the gameplan. hey, i have 2 LOMA's to take, too, you know. i don't even get paid to conduct review sessions. heck, i don't even get a free bottle of mineral water! as ms. agnes said, purely for self-fulfillment.

***

this week, i was travel agent to the trainers. who would've thought that cebu pacific would bring back their promo, but this time cheaper by 9 pesos! i booked them for cebu and arranged for their shangri-la mactan accomodation. chi spa in shangri-la is soooo breathtakingly beautiful. plantation bay is also quite picturesque. aaahhh...i'd love to take a vacation!

going back, though, i kind of like the idea of running a travel agency. ms. agnes, it turns out, has also been toying with the idea so now, i've found myself a business partner! i just have to talk to tita edna and look at our options, talk to my financier (a.k.a. my boyfriend), get ms. agnes' go signal, and off we go! as i've said many times this week, it's the closest i can get to realizing my fantasy job of being an FA.

as a matter of fact, ms. lanie said i'd make a good travel agent because i'm patient with the booking process. that is why she gave me the muffin as a prize. aww..isn't that neat? hopefully, when i get to run my own travel agency, the prizes will come in the form of free trips to europe or wherever. hihi

***

march is finally over. it actually felt like a drag to me, if you ask. i hope that with the breaks in april, i'll find time to relax with my boyfriend somewhere far from the hustle and bustle of city life. commuting is such a hassle, i swear. i cannot wait for a break from the mrt and lrt rides. for once, please, i do not want my butt finding its way into a stranger's hand or even cheek to cheek with another butt. oh my lord. and while walking along UN Avenue? what about that? well, there's the smokers who are a step ahead of me such that when they puff, the smoke envelops me like a cloud of cancerous air. i mean, it's polluted enough in Manila...do we really have to smoke? fine, i know the answer must be a resounding "yes," but please, maybe not while walking? whenever i get a whiff of their smoke, my mind breaks into a chant: "Die, Smoker! Die!" i know, i know, that's a horrible thing to say. but you know, while i have a lot of friends i love dearly who smoke and a boyfriend who smokes, they do it in the proper places. okay, so we can't have pocket gardens sprouting all over the metropolis like they did in the ateneo, but all i'm asking is some consideration for the other commuters who want to reach their offices smelling like they actually did take a bath in the morning. but then again, maybe that is asking too much. oh well.

i've a teaching job!

2006-03-26T22:32:00.000+08:00

okay, okay. so it doesn't pay. but what the heck. i've been long telling myself that i have to try teaching. this is, perhaps, the closest i can get without really going out and applying.

tomorrow is the first day for the review class. i'm handling LOMA 280, the very first in a series of 10 examinations, which, if you pass all, merits you the title, FLMI (Fellow in Life Management Institute, i think.) i actually have 2 two take in May (marketing and law) and i have yet to break the halfway mark in marketing. i took on the review class because it seemed pretty interesting to do, and 280 is rather basic. i mean, not to sound arrogant or anything, but i've studied what's in the 280 course ever since i got into this industry (since 2004 to be exact.) thus, i'm pretty psyched to be at the helm this time. i just hope my 13 participants will be easy to handle.

for this "job," HR gave me a kit which, unfortunately, did not contain a lesson plan. it did, however, come with a door sign! i cannot be more excited to have a door sign to post in those little glass things they have at the training pavilion. and i have a sign up sheet, too! hihi! it's really like teaching!

i have to be honest, though. with all of my excitement you'd guess i already have everything lined up for tomorrow. well, not quite. and to think i have 3 chapters to discuss in one and a half hours. it's okay, really. i mean, not that i have any other choice but to cram, huh? but the good thing is, jack will be in new zealand the whole of this week, so i will be pretty much capable of preparing for the class at work. aaahhh... i just hope i won't make a fool out of myself tomorrow.

i've so many things i wanted to write about but i just can't get myself to write them because when i get home i just want to lay in bed not because i got so caught up at work, but because i'm just too lazy to get my ass out of my beloved bed. haha.

it's 11:09pm as i type, and i've not laid a finger on the 280 book nor the reviewer. and did i get to review for my own LOMA? nooooo... yesterday, i was with my two bestfriends and went to the gym after with my boyfriend. today, he and i went to a birthday party at ayala westgrove (which i can devote another blog entry to, if i had the diligence.) all i can say to myself is: good luck!

ala Alias

2006-03-15T17:44:00.000+08:00

"Hi, I'm Kate. Nice to meet you."

that's how i usually begin my spywork for this project of mine. i pose as a 25-year old mom to a 2-year old baby girl looking for a pre-need plan. when i told jack about this, he said, "did you, really?" and when i told him that the agent i talked with yesterday actually believed my little script, he said, "oh, come on..." well, anything to please the blue-eyed boss, i guess. hahaha

the funny thing about my mystery shopping activity was that i got to see my company from a competitor's point of view. and boy, was it a twisted image! imagine, the agent was so sure that my company isn't managed by AIG because according to him, if we were part of AIG, our name would be AIG, too! then what about SunAmerica, or AIA? aaaahhhh...and he had this little story about how our claims records are so bad it's already a running reputation. well, well, well. if i could only slap him with a business card (not that i have one, though), i would've. but then, i was only using him anyway, so i had to restrain myself. he was, however, so full of conviction i had to remind myself my interim boss is an AIG VP. a cute AIG VP at that.

i do think we have an image problem, though. if truth be told, i only found out about my company being managed by AIG during my first week at work! yeah, shame on me. but what the heck.

i love cebu pacific!

2006-03-06T22:32:00.000+08:00

i will finally get to see boracay for myself.

last friday, my boyfriend told me to access cebu pacific's website for their anniversary promo. tickets to local destinations and HK are really, really cheap! imagine, we're flying manila to iloilo and kalibo to manila all for P3,304! and yes, that's already for the two of us. the thing is, though, you can only book from march 3 to 8, and travel period is june to october. anyhow, this is too good a deal to miss, so i'm already set to travel this september. aahhh...a week off with my boy...can't wait!

***

at work, i'm getting a good dose of funny HK english from no less than Jack Howell's secretary. heck, our really old company artist who's already deaf can write way, way more eloquent english! i may have to post her famous lines here. today, she said in her e-mail:

jack have a lunch meeting today at 11:30am-1:00pm. but he will not attend. he is free only this afternoon after 4:30pm.

i was tempted to reply with, "really? he have?"

and there was something like, "he is available timeslot is...."

oh dear, reminds me of sir dumlao.

monday work

2006-03-05T23:01:00.000+08:00

i cannot believe that there will be work for me tomorrow. it's been a month-long hiatus, and i feel like a student who has to face school after the summer break. only that i got paid for lounging around. hihi

as i type, i'm also googling for specifics on what people really mean by C socio-economic class. i believe i don't know who's who anymore. tomorrow, dione and i are supposed to survey people from the C-class (sounds like the Benz, huh) and i have no idea who we're supposed to attack with questions the answers to which we already know.

oh, well. what can i do? this project of us is big-time. like Jack Howell big-time. so we have to perform to the hilt, i guess. and while i report directly to the big honcho AIG VP that he is, and i'm teammates with senior executives, i know that my position is more of the team runner. meaning, minion. runner. researcher, if you may. technically, i'm the research-on-this-get-data-on-this-girl since the rest of the team members all have "real" jobs. i'm not complaining though, i'm sure i'll learn a lot. if only Jack didn't have to travel so much from HK to Manila and back as often as we MAPpers go to Dell's to buy food. or maybe more.

friday will be presentation day but i'll be on leave to attend the wedding of my boyfriend's friends (ok, so they're my friends, too.) this won't be a problem, i guess, since the runner won't be reporting. dione and i will be like ghostwriters. we do our work then pass it off. great.

anyway, i promised myself to go to work early so i'll wrap this pathetic little entry up. don't blame me...my mind has yet to get used to being used. hahaha.

and by the way, google says i should by a book that outlines all the characteristics of all socio-economic classes in the philippines. it's $15. good luck.

lady down! lady down!

2006-02-26T21:29:00.000+08:00

This morning, my mom got hit by a motorcycle. A slow-moving motorcycle (according to the driver) that came out of nowhere (according to my mom.) Here’s how the day went about.

I woke up at 8am, just after 6 hours of sleep because I intended to catch my mom before she went to the market. I was to ask her to accompany me to the seamstress where I planned to have my boyfriend’s pants cut (because Alterations Plus charges Php140 per pair of pants which you’ll get a day after while in the market, it will just cost you Php25 per pair, while you wait so there.) By 9am, we were at the seamstress and I was being a bit meticulous in giving instructions because the lady didn’t seem to be paying me much attention, and the fact that she wasn’t writing down the measurements made me apprehensive, especially since the pants weren’t mine. Anyway, my mom told me she’d go ahead to the parlor (which was nearby) so I said, “Okay,” and that was it. A few seconds after, and by few I mean like three, I saw a motorcycle in front of the shop where I was fall to the ground, albeit slowly. Of course, people started screaming and I tried to get a good look at what had happened. At the same time, I was trying to figure out where my mom was because with all the commotion going about, she was one to make usyoso when things like these happened. However, she was nowhere to be found, and in my mind, I was thinking, perhaps all at once, “Hmmm...she couldn't have already crossed the street. That would've been too fast. But then again, if she hasn't crossed yet, that would've been too slow."

At that point, it began to dawn on me that something wasn't quite right. Daughterly instinct, if you may. So I went to the street, and true enough, my mom was being helped to her feet, bruised and a bit bloody, by the young man who was driving the motorcycle. And although things were already obvious, the first thing I said was, "What happened?!?!"

My mom's legs looked pitiful, if not horrific. I mean, there was a deep gash on her knee, lots of bruises on her thigh and shins, not to mention a nasty cut on her left toe. Eew, really. And while I was in the process of taking in all that just transpired, the young man was so apologetic and nervous at the same time that I actually felt for him. Hey, it was a good thing he didn't leave my mom alone, right? He kept saying how sorry he was and that he was going to bring my mom to the hospital. And this elitist mother of mine demanded to be brought to the nearby private hospital (couldn't really blame her, and the hospital was really just 3 minutes away) but of course, since they didn't have money, the young man (whom I shall now call Richard because by that time he had already shared with us his name) and his aunt could only bring us to the public hospital about 10 minutes away.

On our way to the hospital, we found out that Richard's daughter was to be christened a good two hours from the time of the accident. Oh dear, I can't tell you how sad I felt for this 23-year old father who couldn't attend his sickly baby's own christening (the cooking oil he bought at the market was intended for the post-christening party, by the way. plus, it might entertain you to know that although both my mom and Richard fell to the ground, the cooking oil bottle was spared a good deal.) And, just a month ago, this guy also met an accident while on the very same motorcycle (and that time, he lost consciousness and clearly was the victim). So, when we got to the hospital, the guys there said, upon seeing him, "Ikaw nanaman?!" Ha! Talk about luck, or the lack of it.

To cut the long story short, the fact that they were so hard-up yet so willing to take the cudgels for their actions softened my mom's heart. However, we cannot romanticize the situation wherein there is dire lack of money (Richard has two young kids but no job, his dad works as a security guard at Benpres) and an obvious traffic violation (he was driving without a license). I mean, there clearly was someone at fault, someone who got hurt, and in between all the pity and the empathy, there still had to be some atonement.

Thus, my mom settled for a police blotter and had an x-ray. Since the public hospital didn't have x-ray machines, we eventually (and by eventually I mean a good 6 hours after the incident) ended up at the private hospital where my mom wanted to be admitted right from the start. The x-ray staff said each area would cost P545 each, but the dad thought the P545 covered for all so he got a crisp 500-peso bill. When he realized that it was P545 each, he kind of flinched a little, yet still remained very willing to pay. At this point, I really was oozing with pity and I glanced at my mom with a look that probably said, "Kawawa naman sila!" So my mom said she probably didn't need her elbow examined anyway, just her legs. That saved them a bit of money, money that they may have even borrowed out of necessity.

That day I was so torn! I was concerned for my mom (imagine, I would've been an orphan!) and so deeply affected by the situation of the young man who probably regretted having taken his motorcycle out (because objectively speaking, his house was so near the market!) to buy a bottle of cooking oil.

That day, too, I validated the fact that there is nothing in me that desires to be a doctor. Nothing! Can you imagine, I spent at least 4 hours in the emergency room where I saw a woman with a deep gash on her head enter covered in blood, and a kid who had severe burns across his chest, among others. If I may say, though, this kid had the most unreasonable father in the world. The kid was on his feet having his wounds treated and he was really, really crying. Couldn't blame him. But what does the father say? He goes, "Wag ka ngang iyakin!" Exaj! And I said to my mom, "E kung siya kaya yung masunog?" Really, I'd be the first to tell him, "Wag ka ngang iyakin!" Then we'll see how he'll do.

As I said, my mom had a police report furnished to document the incident. In the form, the two parties involved had to describe the accident. Now, this is cute. Richard had this to say (and I'll copy exactly what he wrote):

Ako ay galing sa palengke papunta sa bahay ng ako ay makabanga ng isang ginang sa hindi sinisadyang pangyayari. Babalik na po ako ng bahay galing sa pagbili ng mantika habang bumibiyahe na bangga ng patawid na ginang. Hindi po mabilis ang pag andar ng motor parehas po kameng natumba agad po akong tumayo upang tingnan ang taong nabangga ko tomabi pa kame upang mag usap nagkasundo pa kame na papagamot ko siya.

And here was what the policeman wrote in his report:

Investigation conducted showed that Veh-1 (Motorcycle) was traveling along Sierre Madre St. coming from Libertad St. going towards Mariveles St. and when upon reaching the place of accident the front portion of Veh-1 accidentally hit victim/pedestrian who was crossing Sierra Madre St. coming from easternside towards westernside. Due to the impact victim/pedestrian forcely kneeling down on the surface of the road and at the same time her elbow used to support for not lying down while Veh-1 (Motorcycle fell down. As a result of the accident victim/pedestrian sustained injuries and brought to Mandaluyong City Medical

He lost me at "forcely kneeling down..." Hihi...

So my mom got hit by the motorcycle a few minutes before 9am, we got out of the hospital by 3pm. What happened next, you may ask. Well, my mom got a pedicure. Won't you look at that?

Actually, she really set out that morning with a pedicure in mind. But with the accident and all, she said that gave her more reason to have a pedicure because her nail polish didn't survive the accident, apparently. There she was with her legs full of gauze propped up on a stool, having her nails done, when just a few hours before, she almost died.

That's how we Cervantes women probably are.

wi-fi galore

2006-02-25T15:44:00.000+08:00

i'm now at robinson's manila enjoying the free wi-fi with my boyfriend. this can't compare even with my unlimited dial-up at home. great!

anyway, this week, we met our new project mentor. and boy, what a hottie! i described him to my boyfriend as: a thirty-something, 6'3" AIG VP for Special Affairs who looks like he just stepped out of a GQ photoshoot. jeez, it might take me a lot of effort to concentrate when he calls for a meeting. and the good thing was, he flew back to New York Thursday night and didn't get to witness the brouhaha of yesterday's state of emergency. this coming week, though, is going to be a guarded one. meaning, work, work, work!

so, i guess that's all for now. we'll be hitting the gym in a while. i just devoured Popeye's fries. great.

Look at me, I'm 23...beautiful, a sight to see...

2006-02-20T21:41:00.000+08:00

Just five days ago, I’ve been welcomed to 23! It’s been 10 years since starting high school, 11 since I started boarding planes on my own, 13 since my very first boyfriend, and 2 of pseudo financial independence and semi-vegetarian lifestyle. My own mother thinks I’m pretty much “of age” and did not make a fuss when she found out I went to the movies with my boyfriend, just the two of us. Well, not that I asked for her permission. But in any case, I’m glad she’s recognized that I’m getting OLDer!

Before my 23rd year passes me by (and we all know that time does fly fast,) I figured I can make my own to-do list of what I “vow” to do before I turn 24. Here goes:

My 23 “At 23, I will/should…”’s:
1. buy matching lingerie/underwear
2. undergo a pap smear (and no, not in a mobile clinic)
3. read more
4. write more
5. save more (Lord, help me)
6. go on a vacation with my boyfriend
7. buy dollars
8. apply for a US Visa (with my own money..hopefully)
9. learn how to drive
10. be less moody and be more pleasant
11. be more patient
12. donate to a charity or to the Ateneo Scholarship Fund
13. lessen my impulse-buying (except for books)
14. go regularly to Emphasis for my Brazilian with Susie
15. visit a church I’ve never been to (like Calaruega)
16. go to Boracay,El Nido, or Coron (and compare them with Bohol…hehehe!)
17. try applying for a part-time teaching job
18. give more compliments to friends
19. talk less and listen more (I hope, I hope!)
20. clean my room regularly
21. expect less and understand more (but not to the point where I become a freakin’ doormat)
22. layer scents more
23. eat less fastfood

Well, I hope to accomplish all of these in the next 12 months. This pap smear thing, though, is a tricky one. My friends and I like planning for our trip to the OB-Gyne but we never really get our lazy butts off the couch and onto the cold hospital bed. Why don’t I just read up on cervical cancer? Maybe that will motivate me.

I’m keeping a positive outlook on the year ahead. If truth be told, I’m excited at the thought of what my 23rd year will be like. I can’t even begin to tell you how different my 21st was from my 22nd .

In the meantime, allow me to share with you what I’ve picked out as my personal favorites when it comes to my own food-tripping adventures. And although those who know me well know that I’m not much of a food connoisseur (meaning, I don’t really distinguish the nuances in food, i.e., I think the sinigang in Sentro isn’t really that different compared with other restaurants’ sinigang dishes, even the one that my mom cooks), I can (thank heavens!) appreciate exceptional dishes when they truly are exceptional. I hope you won’t go hungry after reading this…

23 Favorite Foodies:
1. CIBO! Everything is G.R.E.A.T.!
2. Max Brenner’s croissant. I’d say it is simply the best!
3. Tiramisu at Caffe Caruso. Nothing like it.
4. Hot chocolate at Bread Talk followed closely by the hot choco at T Salon.
5. Macarons at Bizu. If only they weren’t so damn expensive, I’d devour them like popcorn.
6. Little Asia. Go for the Chicken adobo sa gata. Mmm…
7. Bottomless sago’t gulaman at Sentro. For someone who’s stopped ordering juices and iced teas at restaurants, this sugar fix is one thing I can’t resist.
8. Puto bumbong at Sitio in Podium. Melts in your mouth, I swear.
9. Bibingka cassava at Via Mare. Oh, and their crispy dilis, too…
10. Italianni’s. Great, great, great!
11. Red Kimono’s Crunchy California Rolls. I burned my tongue because I was too excited to eat these goodies. They’re that good. Either that, or matakaw lang talaga ako.
12. Haagen-Dazs and Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. Worth all the fat!
13. Calamari with Onion Rings at Roma Mia. What with the cream cheese and pesto dip, you can’t go wrong with this!
14. Casa Armas Paella. Try it with their Snipe Adobo. Spanish food at its best.
15. Barbeque Chopped Chicken Salad at CPK. I can live on this alone, I think.
16. Milky Way for their Chicken Macaroni Salad and Halo-halo.
17. Oody’s for the Crispy Catfish with Green Mango. Not to mention their bottomless Pandan Juice.
18. Green Tomato for their Chicken Fingers and Anchovy Spaghettini.
19. Laing at Lokaldero. Creamy goodness!
20. Nishiki for great Japanese food and great ambience!
21. Hizon’s for their meals and to-die-for sweets! Great, cozy ambience, too.
22. Ah Fat for the cheapest, freshest seafood in Davao.
23. Bottomless native tsokolate at Bacolod Chicken Inasal. Sinful, but what the heck.

*-*-*

Today marks the end of the 2-week work picket of sorts. Let me explain. Beginning February 6, I didn’t do anything at the office. Really. I went to work, sat down and waited for 5:30pm. That went on until Friday. Actually, today is the last day of being “workless.” But let me just say that I’m not complaining at all. In fairness, I got to finish Memoirs of A Geisha, started on 3 books (LOMA, The God of Small Things, and Never Let Me Go), and today, I got to organize my songs in iTunes (which took me all morning), and blog! Tomorrow and until Thursday, we actually have some training and orientation sessions to attend so that will pretty much keep us busy. Plus, the fun part about having training is that we get free food! And for broke people like us, this is music to our ears.

*-*-*

I’d like to believe I started the year right. January marked the beginning of gym fees that had to be paid for. I didn’t have to pay for the December membership fee because it was free. So when January came, I reminded myself to make the most out of what I was paying. And so, even if I wasn’t in the gym everyday, I was there at least twice a week. Last week, I actually overachieved and was at the gym Tuesday (yes, Valentine’s night,) Friday, and Saturday. But the real overachievers, can I just tell you, are the girls I see everytime I’m at Fitness First Manila. They’re decked in the latest Nike apparel and actually storm the gym with their well-ironed hair down. But the reason why my friends and I refer to them as The Overachievers is because they attend 3 classes STRAIGHT! And mind you, these classes are all strenuous, especially for them who appear intent on making a career out of these gym classes. They attend Step Start (like aerobics), Body Jam (which I join), and Body Combat (like Tae-Bo) with the energy of a two-year old boy. I swear, these girls do not have an excuse to be fat, at all!

*-*-*

Of course, I can’t blog without paying homage to the Valentine’s that was. I think it was two V-days ago when I first heard on RX this poem being read by a Hollywood artist, much like in a poetry-reading session. I think it must have been Sean Connery who read this, and you can just imagine how sexy this poem sounded. Until now, I’m still in search of this album which features Hollywood actors reading different love poems by poets such as Rilke. Madonna’s reading was also really, really good! Anyway, here’s E.E. Cummings’ poem read by Sean Connery:

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
touching skilfully,mysteriouslyher first rose
or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing
i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

A few weeks ago I heard this poem when I heard the song, The First Time I Loved Forever (or at least that’s what I think the title of the song is.) Can you imagine how romantic it sounded? Ah…got me right through the heart.

All in a Week's Work

2006-02-04T09:38:00.000+08:00

Last night I attended a Pilates class for the first time. And boy, did I underestimate its complexities. I mean, I thought it would just be a breeze…you know, how easy can stretching be after all? Apparently, not that easy. Good thing the instructor was a bit cute (but, of course, gay). Hihi. Until now, I can still hear him say, “We move only when we exhale,” or “Follow the line of your body,” or “We go down one vertebrae at a time.” That last one was a deal breaker. How in the world do you control going down (meaning, to go back to one’s lying position on the mat) one vertebrae at a time???!!! And all throughout the workout, I was thinking, “Sweet Lord, I hope I’m not worsening my scoliosis.” Oh, and there were more, “Squeeze your thighs, squeeze your legs, contract your abs, and lift your butts” as we progressed. Oh dear. It was fun though. Who knows, I might just be a regular.

So that was Friday. Thursday was a blur. Yep, if I’m correct, I did absolutely nothing on Thursday. Wednesday was a drag because I got sick. I woke up early to vomit what seemed to me like the remnants of the duck my boyfriend and I ate at Chinese Monk in Power Plant. That was at 4:15am of Wednesday. So I went to work, didn’t feel better so I spent the afternoon lying in our clinic asleep. The weird thing was, I never thought that a clinic can be so noisy! Every now and then, people would come in heavy with laughter and chit chats. What the…? Around 4:20pm, people were already packing up to go home and I got a bit anxious. You see, Dione had the unfortunate experience of being locked in right inside the clinic. Can you imagine? They actually forget they have patients inside. Hihi. And I was not about to be spared, since nobody even bothered to check up on me. Heck, when I finally decided to get out of bed at around 4:45pm, I was almost certain that the doctor thought to herself, “Where in the world did this disheveled girl come from?!” And since I was still feeling under the weather, my boyfriend decided to come fetch me at work (for the first time.) However, I doubt that there’ll be a second time as he was caught for a traffic violation and we were stuck in traffic going home. Oh well, all in a day’s work, I guess.

Monday and Tuesday, we were at the Tower for our Investments immersion. I like it there in the Tower, although in UN, the atmosphere’s really homey. Nothing much to say about our immersion although it was great to have Mr. Grau talk to us. He’s like a big grandpa you’d want to have, what with his compassionate heart. Awww…

That was my week, I guess. Pretty boring, I’d say. The next will be an even more boring one, perhaps.

Oh, and may I just add, my Tita’s pregnant! I love it! We’re still keeping it a secret from my mom, though. I can’t wait for August!

Sore Sunday

2006-01-29T14:36:00.000+08:00

I’m home alone again on another Sunday. Actually, my mom and I don’t see each other as often as we did before (meaning, when I was still single), but I think it’s all good. We still have dinner together at Shangri-la at least three times a week so that’s okay. I want to live all by myself as soon as my finances allow and I’m thinking that the separation anxiety will be worse on her end. So the situation we’re in now is perhaps, in preparation for our “separate lives.”

Anyway, I went to Body Jam classes Tuesday, Friday and yesterday. So now, my legs are killing me. For real. I swear, walking up and down the stairs is an ordeal in itself. And squatting to pick something up? Ah… give me brazilian waxing instead! Which reminds me, I have to go back to Emphasis for that…

But really, the class is so much fun! Having gone to three branches in a week (RP, Ortigas, and Fort), I can say that the most enjoyable class is the one in RP while the best instructor is the one at the Fort. Ortigas? Nahh… As I’ve said, though, my legs are aching so bad I can’t even believe it, yet I still am considering attending the 5:15 class at the Fort a little later. But the hiphop moves there require a bit of squatting of sorts that I’m afraid I may never get out of that position. So Tuesday it is, then.

*
I can’t believe it’s already February this Wednesday. Just a few more days and I’ll be 23! I’m so excited! I’m probably the only person I know who looks forward to growing old. Hihi.

loss

2006-01-22T13:12:00.000+08:00

At Gaile’s despedida, we learned of the infamous Nel-Tus breakup that’s now pretty much official. Here’s my promised blog entry for Nel.

Betrayal is a tricky thing. As my mom says, “What you don’t know won’t hurt you.” But as it is, things have a way of being discovered, and the long and painful process of getting over what was once the source of your happiness has to be faced.

There are lots of questions that come to mind when you first find out the truth. You can ask, “Why?” or “How could you?” but the answers will never be a source of comfort (at least not for me). I’ve even realized that the more you find out, the more painful it becomes, and the more insignificant the relationship seems. It’s like when you become privy to the details of the how’s and the when’s, and even the why’s, everything that comes prior to the realization becomes sort of a big lie.

We fall in love and begin to look forward to a future together. We believe in the talk of marriage, of love that’s never been felt before, of being the love of his life, or simply, of forever. I look at all these and wonder if they’re more detrimental than romantic or necessary to a relationship that you nurture and value. What becomes of a relationship when you don’t look forward, anyway? I think that what’s essential is to believe in the possibility of forever, of a life together. The possibility. Ultimately because nothing is certain. Not even when the two of you are in love.

It’s painful to build your everyday on an expectation and find out that it’s not going to happen. Not in the near future anyway, and not as snag-free as you’d have preferred. But that which hurts us can only make us stronger, as they say. And I truly, truly believe this. Maybe he really does love you, and maybe it was really a mistake (a big, and costly one, may I add), what with men being capable of separating love from sex. But the thing is, there’s a price to pay for every action one commits. We cannot romanticize the act of coming clean when there’s too much pain inflicted.

You said something about forgiveness, and I thought it was too early for that. It was because I have my own definition of forgiveness. Personally, it’s the ability to tell yourself that you won’t let the past hurt you anymore. Nobody’s rushing you to do anything, anyway. I say, give yourself time to grieve, however long it should take. And when you’re over this, there should be no looking back. Let yourself move forward along with whatever it is you’ve taken from all of this.

I thought I’d have more to say but I guess I’ll stop here first. And for god’s sake, stop reading the girl’s blog!

yet another uneventful week

2006-01-21T13:09:00.000+08:00

Last night I attended a Pilates class for the first time. And boy, did I underestimate its complexities. I mean, I thought it would just be a breeze…you know, how hard can stretching be after all? Apparently, not that easy. Good thing the instructor was a bit cute. Hihi. Until now, I can still hear him say, “We move only when we exhale,” or “Follow the line of your body,” or “We go down one vertebrae at a time.” That last one was a deal breaker. How in the world do you control going down (meaning, to go back to one’s lying position on the mat) one vertebrae at a time???!!! And all throughout the workout, I was thinking, “I’m not worsening my scoliosis, am I?” Oh, and there were more, “Squeeze your thighs, squeeze your legs, contract your abs, and lift your butts” as we progressed. Oh dear. It was fun though. Who knows, I might just be a regular.

So that was Friday. Thursday was a blur. Yep, if I’m correct, I did absolutely nothing on Thursday. Wednesday was a drag because I got sick. I woke up early to vomit what seemed to me like the remnants of the duck my boyfriend and I ate at Chinese Monk in Power Plant. That was at 4:15am of Wednesday. So I went to work, didn’t feel better so I spent the afternoon lying in our clinic asleep. The weird thing was, I never thought that a clinic can be so noisy! Every now and then, people would come in heavy with laughter and chit chats. What the…? Around 4:20pm, people were already packing up to go home and I got a bit anxious. You see, Dione had the unfortunate experience of being locked in right inside the clinic. Can you imagine? They actually forget they have patients inside. Hihi. And I was not about to be spared, since nobody even bothered to check up on me. Heck, when I finally decided to get out of bed at around 4:45pm, I was almost certain that the doctor thought to herself, “Where in the world did this disheveled girl come from?!” And since I was still feeling under the weather, my boyfriend decided to come fetch me at work (for the first time.) However, I doubt that there’ll be a second time as he was caught for a traffic violation and we were stuck in traffic going home. Oh well, all in a day’s work, I guess.

Monday and Tuesday, we were at the Tower for our Investments immersion. I like it there in the Tower, although in UN, the atmosphere’s really homey. Nothing much to say about our immersion although it was great to have Mr. Grau talk to us. He’s like a big grandpa you’d want to have, what with his compassionate heart. Awww…

That was my week, I guess. Pretty boring, I’d say. The next will be an even more boring one, perhaps.

Oh, and may I just add, my Tita’s pregnant! I love it! We’re still keeping it a secret from my mom, though. I can’t wait for August!

1st weekend of the year

2006-01-09T12:23:00.000+08:00

friday night was fun. it was gaile's despedida/block dinner/nel's presscon at sentro in greenbelt. nothing really beats a well-attended get together where the stories can range from what went on in college to "selling" credit cards or to recent heartbreaks. it's great to see people you've spent a lot of time with in the past pursue their own careers and begin to be defined by what they do. now the question is, "where do you work?" and not anymore, "what's your next class?" lunch now has become a by-appointment-only rendezvous and always, the time for catching up on each other's lives is never quite enough. ah...the gift of friendship...there really is nothing like having genuine friends.

saturday was steady fun. boyfriend day is always a great day.

sunday was shopping at powerplant day. i've NEVER seen powerplant so jampacked. my mom and i were off to a slow start. we got to the mall at around 1:30, bought tickets for the family stone, bought vcd's, had lunch, then watched the movie till 5:00, ate a little, and heard mass. then we shopped. good thing my acting skills more than made up for my lack of funds because my mom got me a new pair of shoes and really cute women's secret stuff! hihi... we were so into the whole let's-shop-till-we-drop mantra that we didn't even notice it was way past the closing time and i was still trying on a pair of jeans! oh goodness...

so that was how i spent the first weekend of the year. another grueling week is about to come. oh well.

* nel, i will write you that blog entry, i promise.

new year

2006-01-07T23:40:00.000+08:00

i thought it best to start the year by posting a prayer i got from my philo teacher 3 years ago. here it is...

When I was a boy, I remember
Two thoughts kept occurring to me, and made me laugh.
An owl frightened by darkness, and a fish
Afraid of water. Why did I think of them?
Because I felt dimly the difference
Between what is, and what should be; between
Having to endure and finding one’s burden
Unendurable.
Every man
Is such an owl and such a fish, created
To work in darkness, to live in the deep;
And yet he is afraid. He splashes
In anguish towards the shore, stares at the bright
Vault of heaven, and screams: ‘Give me the air
And the blaze of day!
--Henrik Ibsen

D E C E M B E R ! ! !

2005-12-24T21:07:00.000+08:00

my very first post for the last month of the year. oh well, what can i say? it's been a bit hectic. i'm checking my T3 to see how i've spent the merry month of christmas...

i enrolled in a gym. okay, okay. not that i'm there everyday. let me see...as of today, i've gone to the gym four times. hahaha... commitment, huh? hey, i dragged myself from my bed to go to Wynsum at 7pm and exercise all by myself!

had chemical peel treatment for my legs. what an ITCHY experience! i tell you, i'd rather undergo a brazilian waxing a hundred times over 5 sessions of chemical peel!

endured a bombed IOG presentation. tough luck. 'nuff said.

dressed up in That's Entertainment/80's fashion for our HR Christmas party. that was fun. i looked like a slut, though. hihi

mingled with my boyfriend's friends and let him mingle with mine over badminton. two different worlds all the time. but hey, that's where the fun is!

yeeha-ed my way to the company Christmas party at Westin. we were the busiest cowboys in the party. i mean, we MA's were the ushers and i tell you, i cannot count how many times i said, "Hi, from what department please?" and "You can go sit at table blah blah blah..." but hey, that was the closest i can ever get to being a flight attendant, my fantasy job. the highlight of the night for me, though, was when i danced with mr. cuisia. i was so shocked that he suddenly started swinging me. and may i just say, i can't even remember the last time i danced the swing. if you saw the video all i did was follow his lead and laugh! he's so adorable, really. and such soft hands! like cotton, i swear. got to dance with sir aibee, too. the svp's also very adorable. he's so nice! while we were dancing we were also singing the song. awww...he really is something! i love our executives! mr. sotelo's a different character, though. can you imagine, he still had the energy (he's all of 62) to even think about going to malate long after the people had gone and the sets in the tent were taken down! we were all too beat to even respond. he's great, still.

played yaya to Nina. i've never met a five-year old like her! she's so adorable!!!! and sweet, too! yesterday, she told me, "you know, i've never met a girl like you before." and i said. "what do you mean by that?" she didn't say anything so i continued to ask, "is that good or bad?" and as pensive as a five-year old could get, she said, " ummm...i guess...it's...good." she's demanding to look after though. when i'd stay too long in the MAP room, she'd stand by the doorway, frown, and shout, "Tita Mecki!" and when i came back from lunch with the Mappers, she said, "What took you so long? Can you please read me my book?" really, i love her! when she was peeing, i was inside the cubicle with her and she said, "i love your hair." she has really perfect hair, though. not that she knows, anyway. i'm going to stop raving about her already because i can go on and on and on...

performed girlfriend duties to the hilt. wrapping my boyfriend's gifts...baking his giveaways...joining him for his last-minute shopping...doing the groceries for his Christmas lunch tomorrow...and all that jazz...love it!

december...what can i say...hectic but nice.

birthday monday holiday!

2005-11-28T12:14:00.000+08:00

although it's my mom's birthday today, i am now all by lonesome self in the house because she's out to meet up with her amigas. so here i am, passing the time away until my horse carriage arrives in an hour or so.

anyway, yesterday was quite a cute day as we went to have an advanced birthday lunch in glorietta. cheska, as usual, was a source of laughter especially when she spilled the toothpicks all over the floor. we all kind of made her feel guilty about it (yeah, we're all pretty evil in the family) so she cried. well, that's her. after that we bought her shoes and she was okay na.

after lunch, we went around rustan's a bit and i saw the most beautiful shoes at kenneth cole. it was a bad case of love at first sight. it was sooooooo exquisite. but also quite expensive. oh well, for someone who's broke, everything is expensive, anyway.

so to make me feel better, i opted to just pamper myself. and by that i mean having my nails done at beauty bar nail salon. i just paid for the leg waxing then got the two most expensive nail treatments for free! while the leg waxing was at 450, the manicure and pedicure cost 275 and 575, respectively, so my free treatments were actually more expensive! hehe...

then going home, my mom and i opted to take advantage of the free mrt rides. i was so worried that i'd get stepped on and that would ruin my precious pedicure...not that i paid for it, anyway. but still, you know? luckily, it wasn't as bad as i imagined. going to work in the morning is so much worse. that i can tell you.

***

since it's my mom's birthday today, i thought i could pay her a bit of a tribute here (though she has no idea of what blogging is). hmm... maybe i can come up with how i see her in my life...let's see...

when i was a kid, my mom was hitler in a woman's body. for those who know me, you know what i mean.
when i was growing up, there was a time she was my worst enemy. i believe i was 12 at that time. we were always fighting! about boys, actually. disclaimer: hindi kami nag-aagawan ng boys. she just thought boys were the only thing on my mind. no, noh!
when we went to europe, she was not the best travel buddy in the world. i mean, i lost her on the 2nd floor of the eiffel tower. when i went back to the tour bus, she wasn't there! turns out, she had to go pee. and it had to be there in the washroom of the eiffel. haaay...
when we finally got to meet each other halfway, though, she's become like a great sister.
and now that it's really just the two of us, she is my constant date, my shopping buddy.
ever since i got interested in boys, she was always my partner in boy hunting. then she'd lecture me about thinking too much about boys at 12...huh?
when i have boyfriends come over to the house, she is one happy cook. she gives in to whatever they fancy.
when there are babies around, she's my ally in making them kulit. even when we watch babies being studied on the discovery channel, we laugh so hard at how innocent they are we end up crying!
in my pursuit of finding the best tiramisu in manila, she's my hunting partner.
at a young age of 51, she has become a bit of a Dory. she forgets things so much it gets ridiculous at times.

of course, mothers are everything rolled into one. and i gotta say, i've one of the most indescribable ones! and though we have our differences, we do have a lot of fun with each other. nobody can tolerate me like she can. for that, and for a million other reasons, she is just simply, the greatest person in my life.

can you spell SEXY?

2005-11-26T09:59:00.000+08:00

hmm...a cutie or a flirt? i couldn't decide...

for you

2005-11-24T19:45:00.000+08:00

if you feel like you're not important in somebody's life, you're probably not. you love him more than anything, you build your life around an expectancy, you put him above everything else, yet you still don't feel quite content. sure, he loves you. but you know, somehow, it just isn't enough. you know you want more, but you just don't want to admit it. why do you always feel that you're never going to get what you want or what you deserve in a relationship, anyway? look at you. you are a great woman. only a fool will miss that.

you say you'll ride it out. i say, if you really think that it's worth it, then go ahead. if only you had the guts to show him what he really has, i'd be more proud of you. but you know i've always been by your side, so whatever you decide, i'll support you. i just don't want you to get hurt. we both know how long it takes before you'll be able to get over a relationship. sometimes, too long.

for now, just do what you feel is right. if you're happy where you are, then don't sweat the small stuff, as they say. maybe you're expecting too much, too soon. i want you to stop that.

you've always given all of you when you're in love. that's why guys you've loved are among the luckiest, i think. maybe it's time to take a step back, to look at whether you're doing it for the right guy this time. if he is someone who bursts with so much love for you, well, you may have found your match. he will appreciate all the love you can give, and because of this, you are as lucky as he is.

i don't know if i've been of much help. i, too, get a bit out of whack when in love. but, hey, where's the fun if we didn't put ourselves out there, huh? so just love, love, and love. if you get hurt, the world's not going to end, that much i can assure you. you're just being prepared for something more.

what a character!

2005-11-12T23:00:00.000+08:00

my own mother just called me a lizard. okay, okay, so i stretched it a little bit. she likened me to a lizard. ha!

our conversation went on like this:

me: Ma, sa tingin mo nagshrink yung top ko o tumaba ako bigla (which was unlikely because i just got sick)?
mother dear: ang payat mo na nga e. tinignan kita kahapon mukha ka nang butiki.
me: Nagshrink nga lang siguro yung top ko.

oh well. people who know her also know very well she's said more cruel things to other people than calling her own daughter (her only child, may i add) "like a lizard."

hmm...i just remembered. when we saw paolo santos in powerplant, her exact words were: ano ba yan. mukhang butiki!

uh-oh.

true, indeed

2005-11-12T14:06:00.000+08:00

"a man never knows how to say goodbye. a woman never knows when to say it."

-- Helen Rowland

the gods are playing tricks on me

2005-11-12T12:20:00.000+08:00

it's a sunny saturday afternoon and i'm here at home all by myself trying out quizzes at blogthings to pass the time. i went bawling over the results!

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want.And that's marriage - with the right person.You're serious about settling down some time soon.Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

What's" Your Ideal Relationship?

Your Heart Is Blue

Love is a doing word for you. You know it's love when you treat each other well.You are a giving lover, but you don't give too much. You expect something in return.
Your flirting style: Friendly
Your lucky first date: Lunch at an outdoor cafe
Your dream lover: Is both generous and selfish
What you bring to relationships: Loyalty

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatcolorheartdoyouhavequiz/">What Color Heart Do You Have?

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Happy Go Lucky Despot.
Where You Lived: Turkey.
How You Died: Buried alive.

Who'>http://www.blogthings.com/pastlifegenerator/">Who Were You In a Past Life?

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.
You give completely and unconditionally in relationships.
You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.
You're secretly hoping your partner will change for you.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How'>http://www.blogthings.com/howareyouinlovequiz/">How Are You In Love?

Your Personality Profile

You are dependable, popular, and observant.Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness.In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do.
You are unique, creative, and expressive.You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while.And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The'>http://www.blogthings.com/worldsshortestpersonalitytest/">The World's Shortest Personality Test

why do i love this man? let me count the reasons...

2005-11-09T15:55:00.000+08:00

he can wait for me for 3 hours straight and not make a big deal out of it.
he NEVER complains when we're out shopping. not even when we rummage through the entire mall only to go back to the very first shop we entered.
he's always in a pleasant mood.
he is the most patient man i've ever known. no kidding.
he has the voice of a DJ and speaks really well. great, great diction.
he doesn't mind it if i were to wear sexy tops. in fact, if i asked for his opinion, he'd often choose the sexy outfit over the conservative one.
he'd carry all of my shopping bags and doesn't mind if they're all from Beauty Bar, Bayo or Kamiseta.
he always cracks jokes and think they're funny. i laugh because i think he is funny.
he lets me drive on empty carparks even if i jerked the car a time or two.
he never lets stress get to him. he has NEVER said "I'm busy" even if i knew he was.
he's workaholic. goes to work earlier than the staff and leaves after they all do. model boss!
he spoils me to a fault.
he's great with kids.
he has no vices; doesn't smoke, doesn't drink.
he gives in to my every whim. and i mean every whim.

however life turned out for us, i'm still very, very grateful that you're you.

happy birthday, daddy-o!

***

they say girls look for guys that are more like their fathers. well, i'm not one of those girls. as i said on my 18th birthday party, i'm not out to look for someone like my dad because i know there isn't one like him anymore. i'm just looking for someone who can love me as much as my dad loves my mom. and that, i really believe, would be more than enough.

finally!

2005-11-08T19:10:00.000+08:00

it's finally over. i cannot believe we're over and done with 280 and 290! i'm just sooooooooo happy and relieved! no more studying...well, not until may for the next two. but what the heck, that's still 6 months away! yipee!

anyway, yesterday and today at the mrt were probably the worst of my commuting days. imagine, yesterday, dione, stephie and i had to squeeze ourselves in only to be told that the mrt wouldn't be servicing it's usual route anymore. haay. we were three women seriously thinking about hitching a ride in the middle of edsa! here's how we went about talking about that:

steph: uy, maghitch nalang kaya tayo?
me: ummm...okay.
dione: huh? hindi ba delikado?!?!
me and steph: hindi!
dione: sssiiiiggge...
steph: o ano, mecki, try natin?
me: sure! sounds like fun! here's a car! stephie, go!
dione: huh? baka may kapalit!!!

hehehehehe...i swear, it was the funniest. if you saw the three of us, you would've overflowed with pity over us, hapless ladies.

stephie, dione and i made it to ayala after we decided to just take the cab. thank you, kind cabbie! so my sweetheart of a boyfriend saved me from all the hassle of commuting to my house when he fetched me along ayala. but the bad luck didn't end there, my friends. when we parked outside my house to have dinner, his car battery died on him! oh my goodness. talk about everything not going your way, huh? at least he was able to revive it enough to drive home and back to the office the next day.

the next day being an equally horrendous day of commuting at the mrt station! this time, it was just me and kerwin (dione got traumatized and avoided the mrt...good decision, dione! stephie went to la salle to wait for her brother.) so there we were, contemplating about taking the bus or slugging it out in the mrt. let me tell you, it was as if the station were giving birth to people! we were pushed in all directions, and after like 15 minutes, we made it out alive. kerwin was so surprised at how pleasant i still was after that ordeal. actually, it was the first time i saw him close to being really irritated. he actually cussed in english and bisaya! hehehe... bad timing, really, because tomorrow he still has his SOA exam (good luck, kerwin! there are 7 girls rooting for you!) oh well, the things we have to deal with, huh?

after the 290 today and until now, i still have a splitting headache. i think i'm going to be sick. eew.

let me just get this out of my system

2005-10-24T20:22:00.000+08:00

those close to me know that i have bitchy moods. one thing i'll never do, though, is to make fun of other people's friends whether behind their backs or right in their presence. i happen to respect the friendship that exists between them and know that people are, indeed, different. if people can't do the same, then it's probably best and mature to just keep their thoughts to themselves and not make a big brouhaha over it with others.

as amirah would have it, let me just say, "i may be silent, but i'm not blind. never."

got this from maggie

2005-10-22T12:54:00.000+08:00

Write 20 Random Facts About Yourself, Then Tag The Same Number Of People As The Minutes It Takes You To Write The Facts. If You're Tagged, It's Your Turn.

i NEVER get to finish lipsticks or lip balms. i get bored then buy new ones.
i went cold turkey on red meat in april of 2004. never had the urge to eat sisig nor crispy pata ever again.
i don't like digital clocks nor watches. seems to me that i can't estimate the time without seeing where the hands are.
whenever i'm in a bad mood, i'm probably just hungry.
i like telling people that i was a battered child. they always think it's a big joke of mine, when, in truth, it isn't. haha!
i never learned how to swim (properly, at that), ride a bike, play cards, and whistle.
i never got a chance to take a bath in the rain.
i had my first boyfriend when i was 10 years old in grade 4. that affair lasted all of 3 days.
i hate anything that's strawberry/cherry flavored.
i get excited by the thought of using something for the very first time. yup, even shampoo.
i never get rattled. yesterday, we thought the elevator was going straight to the ground floor because it shook with a loud thud. my first reaction? i smiled. dione probably thought i was nuts.
i believe i grew old earlier than normal. i was watching melrose place when girls my age still played 10-20.
i never fail to ask mai what "milk" in the recipe means. condensed or evaporated? and every time she explains to me the difference, i forget all about it after then ask her the next time i bake.
i'm usually good at following budgets. one time i said to my friends at work, "I don't really buy a lot of stuff every month that's why i get to save." the next day, i had a new phone (which, scouring my budget, isn't listed at all). won't you look at that.
the first test i ever failed was one on odd and even numbers. i didn't pay attention and guessed all my answers in the quiz. never even got one guess right. that explains why i don't even try my luck in the lottery.
i eat with one leg up the seat. apparently, my two bestfriends, april and ve, do the same thing.
i go to shangri-la almost 5 times in a week. i'm beginning to believe i own it.
i'm always the last to finish eating. whether it be with my high school friends, college friends, work friends, family...the list goes on. my good friend, thad, said i'm the best companion to have in survivor because i'll be happy with a grain of rice and last for days eating it.
it takes me forever to grow tired of something. in college, i ate crispy noodles with fried dumplings everyday for like a month. then the next, i was at food for thought everyday buying the same kind of sandwich.
i'm so bad at birthdays i have to ask mai to remind me of our friends' birthdays. heck, i even have to confirm with her whether her birthday is on the 3rd or 4th of may.

there goes my list. if i could add one more fact it would be that i'm a slow writer. goes without saying it took me more than 20 minutes to come up with this. i'm not tagging 20 people! it will take me another 20 minutes to come up with names!

loving like a boy...not my style

2005-10-14T16:33:00.000+08:00

I’m finally done with my paper and presentation for Monday. The weather here in UN is so weird it rained with the sun shining.

Anyway, today I thought about building your life around someone. You know, like going out of the social circuit when you’re in a relationship. Ve and I always talked about that, about how we always, always fall into that routine. Friends do take the backseat when we’re in love, and while we know this isn’t healthy, we never really fight it back, nor do we reprimand each other. We’re happy that way, never mind if this prioritizing, of course done unconsciously, is never reciprocated.

But that was before, when we were younger and still fools in love. Eventually, we got hurt and thought about all the gimiks with friends we missed all because we wanted to be with our boyfriends, all the phone calls we abruptly ended to talk to the SO, etc. She said, “Totally not worth it!” But I was quick to say that that was what we wanted at that time, and that was what made us happy so we shouldn’t bother with wanting to reverse the past.

They say experience, especially in love, makes us wiser. At 22, I don’t have enough experience in love to speak of, and I don’t really know what ‘wiser’ in love means. There will always be hard habits to break, if you ask me. Unless of course, you meet that one person who turns out to be special enough you’d want to do things right for the sake of forever after.

So I got to thinking, should I really start thinking about how I am as a girlfriend? Angela asked me something along the lines of: “Would you put your boyfriend first before your friends?” And without batting an eyelash, I let out a “Yeah.” Ha! You see, being pragmatic and realistic in order to avoid getting hurt in love has never been my style. Heck, nobody can be spared from a heartache, I believe. It’s fun to think you’d last forever, you know. As the poem goes, “Not even the rain has such small hands…” See? Why mess up the romance?

For my own sake, I’m probably just going to infuse an ounce of pragmatism in my girlfriendhood. I’ve actually tried this, but I was met with questions like, “Are things with you and your boy okay?” or “What happened? How come you’re entertaining the thought of you not ending up together?” So you see, my attempt at becoming like a boy in the relationship (read: practical) was met with curious, if not inquisitive responses. That led me to think that perhaps, girls really do have high hopes upon entering a relationship and more so when it actually progresses to something serious. Saying something like, “I can never be sure if we’ll end up together, anyway,” kind of sends messages of practicality (which isn’t normal if you’re a girl) or even of discontent.

I remember a friend of mine at work ask, “Why is it that our schedules depend on our boyfriends such that we have to check with them if we have plans so we’ll know if we can plan something with other people, but for them, they can make plans on their own and just inform us about it?” Well, don’t ask me. I, who seldom makes demands, rarely sets the day’s schedule (no “let’s watch a movie then eat at so and so…”) and never goes out with friends when there’s a date with the boy (yeah, even if the gimik was planned days before.) Funny thing is, my mom’s become like me. Almost every afternoon, she texts or calls and asks, “Are you going out tonight?” Implication: Do you have a date tonight? And if there are no plans with the SO, my mom and I set a dinner date of our own.

My day is NEVER without a thought of my boy: Why isn’t he texting? Or, Right about this time he’s probably eating breakfast. Or, Are we going out tonight or does he have his own gimik? Or, Traffic’s pretty bad, I hope he doesn’t take EDSA (this is when I’m on the MRT and feel like a traffic reporter.) Yeah, “tattooed on my mind” seems like the best way to describe how I make him a part of my everyday. I do, indeed, fall hard!!!

I guess it all just boils down to how happy and content you are with the relationship and with all that takes of you to do your part in making it work (or what you think can make your relationship work.) I’m probably never going to be able to successfully take on that male approach to this whole relationship thing (not that I really want to, anyway). I’m always going to be a girl no matter how hard I fight the urge to look deep into the future. My boy will always be on my mind, and even a project presentation would have to take the backseat. Likewise, friends will have to deal with my I’m-a-devoted-girlfriend-persona for as long as this is applicable. Well, I’ve been known to claim that I’m a better girlfriend than a friend, so friends, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Maybe by others’ standards I’d be wrong to prioritize my lovelife, but hey, that’s what makes me happy. If I get hurt, well, that’s life, isn’t it? And why should I measure myself againts other people's standards, anyway? To each his own! Even in matters of the heart.

early biatch mode

2005-10-12T08:54:00.000+08:00

It’s 8am and I’m here in the office blogging because I’m just so irritated.

This checking of bags by security guards in the LRT or in any other place should just be stopped. It’s getting so ridiculous because they don’t really check anyway! Like today, as I was entering the ticket station of the LRT, I breezed through the lady guard, just raising my paper bag for her to check. But no. This lady had the nerve to ask me, and rudely at that, to open my bag. While giving me a mean stare! I swear. So I opened my bag and looked back at her as piercingly as I could. And I was fighting the urge to ask her, “O ano, may nakita ka ba? Bitch!” Oh well, as they say, don’t let little things ruin your day, so I kept silent.

I mean , what is with all the checking nowadays? In Landmark, going to Greenbelt, guards just chat with each other while poking your bag with their god-forsaken sticks. Such a big hassle for everybody. I bet, when a bombing occurs, these guards are going to be on their toes once again.

So anyway, I was inside the elevator already going up the 3rd floor. I happily settled in the corner near the door and noticed that my floor was first among those pressed. As the door opened, I said, “Excuse me,” but this insensitive girl moved only like an inch. I looked at her and I repeated, “Excuse me,” and this time a bit louder and more irritated-sounding. Still, she didn’t budge. I had to squeeze myself out like I always do getting on the MRT. I had the urge to bang her head on the elevator walls to knock her out. But then again, violence isn’t me so what I just ended up doing was give her a glaring stare (hmmm…today I’ve done a lot of staring in an hour) when I was able to get off the elevator. Haha! So mean, huh? I swear, what is it with today?

*
Earlier today, I came across a couple holding hands while commuting. And my reaction was, “Aaawww…” Personally, I think there is nothing as sweet yet mundane at the same time, as holding hands. In public, at that.

You see, I take this as nothing less than a gesture of exclusivity for the couple. Like a grand indication of ownership, even. This, perhaps, is the most widely accepted public display of affection in society (unless you’re in Paris where French kissing is as commonplace as fake DVD hawkers here) , except of course when you’re both gay. I even think that there is something inherently romantic in how the couple’s hands just find each other so effortlessly and fit as if seamlessly. Sigh. Call me a hopeless romantic, I don’t mind.

This notion of holding hands can often serves as an announcement to the world. Of what, you may ask. Well, for grandparents still holding hands, perhaps a declaration of love that’s stood the test of time. For new lovers, maybe a sign of newfound love still tickled pink in the thought of constant togetherness. Possibly, it signifies having found comfort in each other, establishing a sort of normalcy that it escapes and denies any attempts to analyze its constant presence.

Whatever it is, love is subliminally present, though I dare not imply absent, if couples don’t hold hands.

my early wishlist

2005-10-10T12:51:00.000+08:00

even before the -ber months, dione and i made our own Christmas wishlists. i keep on rewriting mine because i have this insane belief that the more i document it, the closer i am to getting some, if not all, of what i've written. huh? yeah, beats me.

anyway, the funny thing is that the more i convince myself that it will take me forever to buy everything, i end up debating whether i really need or just want these stuff that follow (not in order of preference, but i really do need the first one...):

Topshop jeans in Spike: W26, L30 (price tag: 2,795 not a bad deal, i'd say)
Esprit black leather bag (price tag: 3,498 as ve would put it, "bag naman e..." i agree!)
Ralph Lauren Style gift set (price tag: 3,900 it comes with a body wash, a lotion and the perfume itself...aaaaaahhhh...heavenly layering!!!)
Beauty Shop kikay essentials (price tag: hey, beauty isn't cheap...not to mention that i'm gunning for that Beauty Bar planner again. i've already 11 stamps to my credit. 29 to go. that's 5,800 worth of kikay stuff to buy till January!)
permanent underarm hair removal (price tag: 5,000 that's just 14 underarm waxing treatments at Emphasis...so for 5k, i think this is a pretty decent deal. goodbye to waxing forever!)
microdermabrasion/skin peeling (price tag: 5,000 i can't wait to wear skirts again!)

oh well, i'm a girl, alright. if only money grew on trees...

body jamming

2005-10-08T12:35:00.000+08:00

i finally went to the body jam class at fitness first. and i only have three words to describe my experience: fun, fun, and fun!

yeah, maybe my friends are right...it can get addicting...

giving in to peer pressure

2005-10-06T22:24:00.000+08:00

here's nes' influence at work. she wanted us to take this test. the thing is, i was answering this while watching desperate housewives so i didn't think i was taking it seriously. however, it is pretty accurate...amazing...

The Sonnet: Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLDf)

Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so. You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.

ALWAYS AVOID: The 5-Night Stand, The False Messiah, The Hornivore, The Last Man on Earth
CONSIDER: The Loverboy

sacred spaces

2005-10-06T19:54:00.000+08:00

in my senior year philosophy class, we got to talk about sacred spaces -- places that you associate memories with, or even places you just keep coming back to because it holds a special meaning to your life.

in college, the bench was my sacred space (one which i shared with good friends.) it was where so much went on--reviewing for tests (or cramming, even), preparing for orals, copying homework, spilling juicy chikas, sharing lovelife tidbits (yes, whether good or bad), and just plain hanging out with friends you're going to keep for the rest of your life. now, when you say college, the fixture that automatically pops in my head is that bench. it isn't really different from all the other benches around the campus, but what makes it special is that it was ours. we didn't own it, and neither do the ones occupying it now, but what we can rightfully call ours are the memories built around the bench. we flocked to it like moths to a flame every free time, and it was really like a hub for the years we had the right to call it, "our bench." i was quite possessive of it, if truth be told and unwelcome guests always heard something from me because it felt like somebody was trespassing. it wasn't a physical kind of trespassing, though, but more of a personal intrusion, like having to open your world to a stranger. if things were to be reversed, it's probably the feeling you get when you're walking around a campus you don't belong to--you know you don't look any different, but somehow, you feel as though everybody knows you're not one of them.

sacred spaces abound when one is in love: "this is where we first had coffee," "this is where he proposed," "this is where she said 'yes'." and the thing with these sacred spaces is that they remain sacred even when others create their own memories around it. thus, that corner table by the window where one guy proposed could also be that corner table by the window where one couple had their first date. yet regardless of how many beautiful memories are created, the sacred space remains to be unique to a person, to a couple, because the experience is their own.

lately, i've been thinking about sacred spaces in the context of a love gone wrong. what, then, becomes of it? isn't this a dilemma of most people coming out of a relationship--not visiting places they used to frequent as a couple, not watching the movies they loved to watch over and over again (because, of course, those, while beyond the realm of the physical, are sacred spaces, too)? memories are easily triggered by familiar fixtures, and even by scents--now it isn't only that couch by the corner but also the smell of freshly brewed coffee that reminds one of that first date that, unfortunately, didn't translate to a second.

i don't know, really. but for me, the sacred spaces i have remain as they are. only that they are not seen with the same level of affection, nor nostalgia. at first, these sacred spaces were dealt with bitterness, with hurt, even. but as time allows for healing and personal growth that comes with the realization that moving on is the only remedy to being broken, these sacred spaces are then dealt only with a strange kind of fondness. i say 'strange' because the fondness is not about wanting to bring the past back, but being grateful for it. there is acknowledgement that the past made us stronger than who we were before.

i believe we're always in the process of creating sacred spaces. and while we look outwardly at the ones we create around the physical, there are also hidden sacred spaces, tucked deep into the relationships we have with friends, family, and the ones we get to call, the love of our life. these are, i would say, the hidden beauty we can rightfully claim, uniquely ours.

visions in pink

2005-10-04T00:03:00.000+08:00

i don't know what it is with my friends from work but there are just days when we come to work or for this matter, go to a gimik, wearing pink. purely accidental, may i say. for this gimik last friday, we were at corik's where i mustered enough guts (or in the vernacular, kapal ng mukha) to sing with a band (i sang "torn", fyi). heck, i figured, i wouldn't want to put my curls to waste. i wasn't drunk, in case you ask (look closely, it's a glass of water in front of me), so just credit the audacity to my own belief in my vocal chords. fun, fun night it was, indeed...

pink galore!

2005-10-04T00:01:00.000+08:00

chillin'

2005-10-04T00:00:00.000+08:00

"i can see the perfect sky is torn..."

news from the pit (of my stomach, that is)

2005-10-03T22:34:00.000+08:00

today i ate a lot. and i mean a lot.

lunch was sir aibee's treat at cafe milano. he's really one of the nicest executives i've met (an svp, at that) and not only because he makes bets with us (this treat being the product of the classic ateneo-la salle duel) but also because he's really genuinely interested with how we are. so there we were chatting away over a sumptuous italian feast of 3 kinds of pizza and 2 kinds of pasta. i was sitting in front of sir aibee and noticed that he really wasn't a big eater. this, however, didn't bother any of us as we finished all our food. personally, i had 3 slices of pizza and tried the 2 different kinds of pasta. more than i can usually handle.

merienda was our treat. and mind you, this was just a little over 2 hours after the carbo-loading that was lunch. this treat was 3 months in the making but as they say, better late than never. we had pancit, pichi-pichi and barbeque from amber. mmmm... we weren't really hungry but we ate, nevertheless. what bottomless pits...

dinner. i cannot even believe i still had the capacity to eat. my boy and i did a few groceries before heading off to kfc. i was supposed to just eat a salad but then when i entered, i was lured by that chicken fillet thing they had. oh well, i devoured that, too.

i feel like a polar bear who eats everything it can before it hibernates for 6 months or so. only that (1) i don't hibernate, and (2) i'll be eating again tomorrow, that's for sure.

quiet musings

2005-10-02T21:23:00.000+08:00

sometimes we do really have to make sacrifices or we compromise if we believe in that which we value the most. and oftentimes, it comes almost naturally, like second nature. but there are moments, like when the paranoia that isn't even yours to begin with, creeps in on you and you are made to think, whether or not this is really what you want for yourself. because always, one has a choice.

reaffirmation of personal choices is part of our everyday. and like the sacrifices we make, the reaffirmations can become almost second nature, like something we don't need to consciously make. except of course, when the everyday is visited by the out-of-the-ordinary. like a distraction of sort. an unwelcome gesture.

hence, the need to look inside one's innermost longings and desires. is this what i really want? what i'm willing to put up with?

at times, too, there's endless rationalization. or qualifications--a barrage of thoughts that floods one's already intricate and complicated mind.

yeah...the everyday... the minor jolts we get when we become too comfortable with where we stand...

one can only be thankful to know that regardless of all the distractions and jolts made obvious, the choices made are still the ones that give him happiness.

and in that case, the reaffirmations are not hard to make.

investments...investments...

2005-09-26T20:46:00.000+08:00

Every morning, I dread getting on the mrt. Either I get crushed, pushed, or leaned on by some stranger, and frankly, that isn’t really my idea of starting the day right. But then I’ve learned to accept this as part of my morning ritual. Until this morning.

I was already on the platform at 7:10, quite early for my 8:30time in (because it just takes me 45 minutes or less to get to the office). However, I still don’t know what it is, but the trains were just so slow and inefficient that it took more than 6 minutes for one to follow another. And the thing was, people gathered quickly. And there I was, all fresh in my corporate attire. When the first train arrived, I wasn’t able to squeeze myself in. I was crushed, yeah, but I failed to get on the train. I said, ‘that’s ok, maybe the next one will arrive shortly.’ Ha! That’s what I thought. Trains passed and I got pushed by people both getting off and on the train. Can you believe, only after 30 minutes did I get lucky. But not without more shoving and pushing…

So there I was, right smack into the sardine-like atmosphere so early in the morning. When we got to boni station, people who had to get off had to do so in the hardest way possible. Kinda like passing through the birth canal, I guess. It so happened that my bag (my precious red one), was blocking a man’s way out. People were telling him, “excuse lang ho, may bababa pa” and he said, “e may bag dito, e” (of course, referring to my bag). Lo and behold, this man from behind got my bag, lifted it (and I mean really lifted it in such a way that I hoped to high heavens my stuff don’t spill out) and said, “o ayan na ho, labas na kayo.” Alright, so he meant well…but hello…that was MY bag. And I’m so protective of my dear investments that I was shocked at how my beautiful red bag was manhandled (or should I say, baghandled, whatever). Oh well, the joys of commuting, I guess.

Tomorrow will be another day of commuting, but I have to be more careful because I’d be lugging around my other precious investment, my laptop. Today is its 1st birthday, and if my dad knew, he’d ask me where the party hats are…hihi…

the older i get, the earlier to bed; happy birthday, babe!

2005-09-25T00:55:00.001+08:00

when i got back from the gym, i had a chance to talk to mai, my dearest hs friend. and although it was only 9pm, we were both already sleepy and were thinking, "oh well, we must be really getting old now." what can i say. this week, i was always sleepy: at work or even a little after getting home. i don't know what it is; must be age, indeed.

i now use phrases such as: back in college, when i was that age, when we were young, etc. it's weird, you know, because you don't feel older when in fact, you actually are older. i guess that's just how it is. in a few years, i'll be saying when i was in my 20's...hehehe...

speaking of growing older, my beloved boy is celebrating his birthday today. no age mention necessary, just his first since we hooked up...hehe (he sure will thank me for this). i feel that this relationship has gone on longer than it actually has (and i mean that in a positive light); it feels as though there's a lot of "past" to speak of. and i like that. i'm pretty comfortable with where we are; for me it even feels like this is my first genuine relationship.

to celebrate my beau's crossing over to the next number, i decided to come up with 15 random things that i adore about my beloved boy. here goes:

he mimics me when i baby talk or i bitch to somebody else (extremes, huh?)
he kisses my nose and never fails to say it's cold (because of the aircon in his car)
he never fails to send me a text that lacks a word or has jumbled letters (not deliberately done, though) so i have to "decipher" what he means
he always gives in to my cravings: bottomless hot chocolate, mcflurry, sinful desserts, etc., most of which he can't eat
he knows my regular Starbucks order: mocha valencia decaf, non-fat, no whipped cream, and i know his: cappuccino extra hot with one equal (though i tend to meddle and make his non-fat, too...hehe)
he thinks i'm pretty (which really isn't far from the general observation..haha)
he believes in me more than i believe in myself
he always asks for my help when it comes to his laptop/internet (i do get a kick out of seeing boys in distress..)
he gives me hugs from behind
he never wants to lose when we play games (thumb wrestling, what-movie-is-this-line-from, etc.)
he still argues with me as to who made the first move (give it up, babe. we both know YOU did!)
he loves me even when i can be suplada (he says he can tolerate it because he knows how much i love him)
he sings (and thinks he's good) to his heart's content in the car but gets the lyrics all mixed up
he makes me really lambing when he thinks no one is watching
he asks me to give him a hug even when he's driving just because he feels like it

there are a lot more reasons (and serious ones, at that) why i love my boy but i guess it really isn't difficult to love somebody who's genuinely nice. yeah, he may be grumpy when hungry/sleepy/bummed out by the traffic, but i love him anyway. we do all have our own quirks, don't we? hehe

so here's my little something for you, my man: as i told you on my birthday, i never thought nor imagined that we'd end up together but i sure am glad we did. everyday, i look forward to loving you more than i already do...

the week that was

2005-09-24T12:32:00.000+08:00

it's a lazy, rainy saturday morning and i'm typing as i'm eating breakfast. i cannot be thankful enough that the week has finally ended. i hate underwriting. no, let me correct myself. i abhor underwriting. never want to undergo that training again. as a testament to how much we agonized over our underwriting training, we actually failed our hands-on exams...but we didn't care. hihi...we just can't be more relieved that we're done with it.

anyway, this week the mrt had two booboo's. monday, a train broke down. and dione and i could not have been in a more aptly situationed coach. we were right behind the malfuctioning train. so we ended up waiting for 20 minutes in buendia, then another 40 minutes to get to shaw. imagine, they wanted to get everybody off at boni because the train had to be hauled to shaw. the stubborn women that we were (at that time), we disregarded the order and sat our lazy butts down. so when we got to shaw, ohmygoodness. we stopped in the middle of the tracks and dione (stressful and freaked out) thought we were going to walk all the way to the platform. and me? well, i was laughing my head off. i thought dione was hilarious. hehehe... thankfully, we didn't end up trudging down the tracks. but it did take us a good one hour from taft to shaw (which should have been just around 15 minutes). at least the airconditioning didn't fail us. i feel sad for the people who had to wait in the stinking body heat of other people, if you know what i mean. (in other words, i felt for you, kerwin...hehehe)

and then, just a few days after, and this time, kerwin, dione, and i were surprised to find out at taft that the mrt only made taft-shaw and shaw-taft trips. poor dione had to take a bus at crossing...talk about hassle, huh?

friday. sales presentation. one that we all didn't prepare much for. what with our underwriting imprisonment, we weren't able to pay as much attention to our projects as much as we would have been comfortable with. BUT, being the winning team that we are, we pulled it off quite successfully and impressed the big boss. he even struck a deal with us re the ateneo-lasalle duel on sunday. mmm...i can already smell the italian lunch courtesy of the lasallians....hehe..go ateneo!

i'm glad the week's over. i'm now off to the gym with my boyfriend!

the wedding coordinator from hell

2005-09-21T11:01:00.000+08:00

i was in Davao with my boy 2 weeks ago to attend my cousin's wedding. although it was only for four days, it was still a lot of fun because i got to act like a tour guide for him. and as my mom put it (but not fondly, i think), we were like honeymooners. so anyway, i was so excited for my cousin because his wedding is the first among us. we've known his girlfriend (or should i say his wife) for quite sometime now and we do like her for him, even if they're exact opposites of the other. what i didn't know was that she had evil sisters...

by evil, i mean bossy sisters who made me utos lots of things because i was a bridesmaid. heck, i didn't know bridesmaids had duties. i thought they should just carry bouquets or something. imagine, one of them (the self-appointed wedding planner) asked me to look for people for the offertory minutes before the wedding! and i didn't even know the people there who weren't family! the other sister, during the reception, wanted me to pass around that frame you write dedications on the way women pass around baskets for the mass collection! can you believe that! and that was even before we started eating (not that i'd do it after i've eaten, anyway). the nerve! i mean, me? i flew all the way from manila to do those?

there are lots of anecdotes pa from the wedding, equally horrible and unbelievable. i'm just glad i don't have to deal with those evil sisters anymore. they won't be part of my social circle anyway. what i realized, though, was that it's such a pain in the neck to coordinate something as big as a wedding. that's why people make a lot of money being wedding planners. i mean really, who wants all that stress?

i used to want a big wedding for myself. but after that experience (and i was only a bridesmaid, mind you), i don't know anymore. i'll probably just elope, fly to prague, buy a white gown off the rack, get married, then tour europe...hmmm...doesn't sound bad at all if you ask me.

i am not anorexic thin!

2005-09-15T19:52:00.000+08:00

my friends at work are all saying that i'm too thin. ve's sister told me i look "unhealthy kind of thin" while ve said i got too thin too abruptly. well, whatever it is, i don't think i am. well, not anorexic thin as the MAPpers say. i'm not dieting, just so you know. i just eat tuna for lunch everyday and drink lots of water it kind of gets ridiculous because i have to pee every hour (and that's distracting when you're in a lecture, but what the heck, not that the lecture is all that engaging anyway...hihi)..

so anyway, i say maybe i'm thin because of my change of lifestyle (eating lifestyle, that is). my friends never thought i'd get this far not eating red meat but here i am! (thank you, thank you...) i didn't get into this to get thin, mind you. but that's what i ended up being so i guess that's an offshoot of the lifestyle change. the only problem i have right now is that my jeans don't fit well anymore as i'm down to 102lbs last time i checked. the thing is, i've become so dirt poor that i have to wait till Christmas to buy myself a new pair of nice jeans. oh well, 3 months isn't so far away...

this picture was taken when i attended my cousin's wedding and when i saw this, i was shocked to see how thin my arms looked! but i'm still not convinced that i'm too thin because it might just be the angle. hehe...the little girl i'm carrying is thin, too...i think she's going to end up in FHM someday because she's so timid we all think she's going to shock all of us when she turns 18 and grows boobs...hehe..

here's to green leafy vegetables...

maggie's greenbelt treat

2005-09-12T23:48:00.000+08:00

dinner at Recipes GB3
(maggie, amirah, kitchie, and me)

dessert at Bizu, GB2

you know how people always say, "let's have dinner one of these days," out of courtesy or just because it seems like the proper thing to say to somebody you haven't seen in a long time? well, with these 3 girls, when we say, "let's have dinner one of these days," we really mean it. and of course, we make it a point to make that dinner a get-together/birthday celebration to make it more meaningful. and for this one, it was maggie's turn to treat us, yesterday being her birthday. there's nothing like good food and good friends!

ryki, maggie's boy (or should i say, fiance) was with us (i think he was our official photographer...hihi...thanks, ryki!) but saved himself from our girl talk (read: chismis), under the guise of smoking. i'm always happy to see this couple because they just look so comfy together that they're almost like kids, as if they don't have worries themselves. i've never really told maggie this but i think she's lucky to have ryki because he's so sensitive and such a gentleman (to all girls!) that it's so easy to like him. he's funny pa! and he holds her hand all the time, even when he's driving. sweet, huh? i can't wait for the time these 2 get hitched!

well, i'm glad maggie has found her perfect match. there's only one song that i can remember when it comes to finding the perfect one for you after a string of failed relationships:

Bless The Broken Road (Rascal Flatts)
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

can't get more apt than that, huh?

a wedding toast

2005-08-30T23:00:00.000+08:00

i'm a loyal follower of One Tree Hill so much so that i discuss it with my friends at work even weeks after we've watched a certain episode. its recent episodes (and i don't mean the reruns) have become more philosophical and romantic that i feel i just have to share a particular verse that was supposed to have been a best man's speech in a wedding. it sounds better as you're watching the episode, but what the heck, here it is...

my love...remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always
a promise, like a reward for persisting through life so long alone
a belief in each other and the possibility of love
a decision to ignore and simply rise above the pain of the past
a covenant which once binds two souls yet savages prior ties
a celebration of the chance taken and the challenge that lies ahead;
but two will always be stronger than one
like a team braised against the temples of the world
and love will aways be the guiding force in our lives
for tonight is mere formality, only announcement to the world
of feelings long held, promises made long ago in the sacred space of our hearts...

kiddie party at Intramuros Golf Club

2005-08-27T19:50:00.000+08:00

as ve said, "i wonder what they'll come up with when mattie turns 7...fire-blowing people, elephants, acrobats, the works..." i swear, the only normal kiddie party matt had was his 2nd and that was only because it was in McDo. his 1st was in Manila Polo Club (where people actually celebrate debuts, not kiddie parties). and what's more, his parties are always at night! this one, though, was supposed to start at 3 but only the celebrator was present because mommy, lola, lolo and tito were all nowhere to be found! talk about being independent at an early age...hihi...

well, his party turned out okay despite mommy being late. as for me, i still can't believe he's already 3! i remember how he looked like when he was just a few days old and now he's able to convince me to peel his grapes for him! awww....kids do grow up fast!

Matt turns 3!

here's to say i blogged

2005-08-27T00:40:00.000+08:00

okay, okay. so it's been a month or so. well, not that the world stopped...although, gaile made me kulit a little about my laziness...hihihi...whatever...here goes...

it's 12:43am now, and i just got home from a movie date with my mother dear (it's been like this for the past two fridays, i'm afraid it's going to soon become a ritual if my boyfriend doesn't come to break the streak). in fairness, i loved Must Love Dogs and The Longest Yard...funny movies...too bad my boyfriend can't be dragged to watch chick flicks (well, unless i make him libre, which i can't at the moment coz i'm just too budget conscious now it's ridiculous)

anyway, the past month's been quite a ride...some weeks flew by and some days just felt like a whole week. i'm by my lonesome self in cubao while the rest of my groupies (or, should i say, ducklings) are in their own areas, too. cubao is convenient, i can afford to wake up at 7:15am and still make it to the office at 8:30am. nobody notices though that i'm early but i do make an effort, anyway. the downside to this is that when the mrt doors open at cubao station, it's not a very warm welcome courtesy of Farmers Market. i swear, for the first 3 minutes, i try my very best not to breathe. and then when i think i'm about to pass out, i let out a little breath and walk a little faster...both to shorten my agony and to escape would-be robbers...hehehe...

oh, the good thing about being in cubao is that there's always food. whether it be at dampa in libis (where we ate as though there was no tomorrow) or just in the makeshift dining area (courtesy of the agents/leaders), i never leave home without a happy stomach and a guilty brain lacking in self-control...oh well...at least i get to speed walk all the way to the mrt station just to say i burned my calories...

anyway, today marks the birthday of 2 men in my life. one, my little godson who's 3 (happy birthday, matt!) and my little flirt of a best boy bud who's old enough to charm both the young and the yuppie (happy birthday, parekoi!) i love you, boys!

it's also tito jose's birthday today...happy birthday, tito...i hope ve got you a decent birthday gift...hehe

i'll probably make kwento soon...my mother's new cd is lulling me to sleep...fantastic...

gaining weight, losing patience

2005-06-19T17:04:00.000+08:00

it's one of those few sundays when i'm stuck here at home with nothing to do. last sunday, i was still down with the flu so i had no choice but to spend the whole day 'recovering.' i never want to have flu ever again.

anyway, june's been a pretty busy month. that is, compared with the 5 months that preceded it. technically speaking, though, the past 3 weeks were great, and the stress level hasn't gone up yet. my friends at work are great, too. they think i need to gain weight because to them, i'm really, really thin...hehehe...

speaking of thin...i think i'm going to gain back all those pounds i unintentionally lost over the past 5 months with all the free food we've been getting at work! but hey, i'm not complaining. where there's free food, there are 8 very happy stomachs...

nothing's new with me, really. oh, maybe only that i tend to get sleepy quite earlier than usual (the usual being 3am onwards.) now, if i'm not out with my boyfriend having dinner, i'm off to dreamland by 9 or something. at least my boyfriend's happy that i'm finally sleeping like a normal person...hehe

so there. i might have just written this boring entry to say i was able to blog...hihihi...gaile's been telling me to update my blog since she opens it daw every day. that girl has all the time in the office to send e-mails to everyone. not bad, huh?

wait, now i remember something i can share...yesterday i watched Mr. & Mrs. Smith (for the 2nd time since i first watched it with my boyfriend but then i had to watch it with my mom this time) and sitting beside me was this annoying woman who clung to her boyfriend the whole time like the world was going to self destruct after the movie ends. anyway, what first irked me was that she kept on saying how beautiful angelina was. she was saying it so often i was tempted to tell her, "will you just get over it, lesbian!" apparently, that wasn't the end of it. she was always asking her boyfriend to explain stuff in the movie. like, "why did brad drop the wine bottle?" or "why do they still have wounds when they have bullet proof vests on? masakit pa rin ba yun pag tinatamaan sila ng bala?" oh my! i seriously took a few looks at her and inside i wanted to scream at her, "why in the world can't you understand the movie by yourself? is your boyfriend the scriptwriter and does he have to explain everything to you?" aarrrrgh! don't you just hate people like that in the moviehouse? aside from those who don't turn their mobile phones to silent mode, and those who even have the audacity to take phone calls inside the moviehouse! some just have absolutely no manners!

i wish seats in the moviehouse had eject buttons just in case your seatmate annoys you or something. i could've saved that boyfriend of hers from all the explaining he had to do!

carrie wins!

2005-05-26T23:54:00.000+08:00

yey! i'm glad carrie's the new american idol. boy, that girl can sing! and she seems so pleasant and sweet pa. if bo won, though, it would have been okay, too, since he's also one heck of a performer. in any case, both are equally deserving of being in the final two. best season ever of AI for me!

now i wish i had a great voice. not that i'd have the guts to sing in front of a lot of people. i just think it's a great thing if you can sing really, really well. and i don't mean the birit thing a lot of filipinos think is talent. eew.

at least even if my amazing race 7 bet (amber and rob) didn't win, my AI bet did! i've yet to pick a favorite in ANTM3, though...

joining the bandwagon

2005-05-25T17:55:00.000+08:00

i'm happy to welcome some of my college friends to the world of blogging! not that i started this world, though. in fact, when i first came to learn about blogs in 2001 or was it 2002, i never thought i'd start one for myself. but when i got sooo bored in january 2005, it was the next best thing to start to save me before i died of boredom (if it could actually kill.)

when i was younger, i used to start journals but i never could keep the writing juices flowing because either i got bored or too tired to write. i'm not even sure how long i can keep this blog running, but in any case, i'll write when i feel like it.

i'm not really the type of person who'll jump at every opportunity to be 'in'. heck, i don't even have a friendster account. and this hi5 thing is something i'm not even interested in. remember the shawarma invasion several years back? i haven't, up to this day, eaten a shawarma. but blogging, fad or no fad, is a new interesting hobby that's grown on me. and i love to write, so i guess i've found quite a good match!

i'd love to think i can write and get paid for it!

coincidence?

2005-05-24T01:14:00.000+08:00

i gave blogthings.com a rest and checked out lifepredictor.com instead. so i answered a few questions and i got the biggest shock of my internet surfing hour when i found out that my expected death date is august 18, 2062, giving me 20,906 days to live. what amazes me is that this site suggests that i'll die at 79 years young, the same age that the other site also said!

i don't believe any of those, though. i just had to get that out of my system, that's all. i'll stop now.

are you romantic or realistic?

2005-05-24T00:13:00.000+08:00

okay, so i'm hooked to this blogthings.com. there's nothing wrong with that. in fact, it's so interesting i can't stop at one personality test. i took the 'are you romantic or realistic?' test and it turns out that i'm a realistic romantic. what does that mean? well, here's the analysis:

You are more romantic than 70% of the population.
It's easy for you to get swept away by romance...But you've done a pretty good job keeping perspective.You're still taken in by love poems and sunsets. You just don't fall for every dreamy pick up line!

well, i sure don't like cheezy lines but, as they say, i do sometimes crave for the cheeze!!!

which reminds me...this new star wars flick has some cheezy lines that can rival those from the 2nd installment. my boyfriend kept on repeating, "love story pala 'to e!" and i remember really laughing at some of the lines exchanged by the two lovebirds...oh, dear.

love poems and sunsets are good, although they remind me of brendan fraser's character in bedazzled. the sensitive guy who cries over sunsets? that was hilarious.

me, i love surprises (meaning, a man with a plan!) beats the typical flowers-chocolates routine, if you ask me. just don't surprise me with a dead cockroach (or worse, a live one) inside a shoe box. that's not romantic! that's just sick.

what's in a number?

2005-05-23T02:25:00.000+08:00

i stumbled upon blogthings.com and got so hooked on all the quizzes that i just have to share what i learned about me...hehehe...forgive me, i'm not a student anymore, i can't have a free one-on-one session with a shrink a.k.a. the ateneo's guidance counselor. and besides, the quizzes were great personality tests!

so here's the significant numbers i got:

23 is the age i act

79 is the age i'll die, or so the quiz says...

34% is the chance i'll go to hell...

6 is the sum of my birthdate (1+5) and means i have the energy that will make me an excellent parent or teacher; very responsible and capable. it is also my love number.

73.33% is the part of my brain that's female, and 26.67% that's male

0% is the chance that i'll cheat on a boyfriend (ahem, i did not make this up)

hmmmm...

so i found out that i act a year older than my age. not bad, i guess. at least i don't act like i'm 18, although to be honest, i really don't know how different i am now from how i was 4 years ago. i can't even differentiate how it feels like to be 22 from how i felt as an 18-year old girl. jeez. i don't think i'm making any sense at all. i talked about this with ve, and i assure you, i sounded more convincing over the phone.

79. oh well. i've always wanted to die young. but hey, if i start my own family, this wouldn't be a bad age to die. i just hope my friends will still be alive to attend my funeral, though. it would be pretty sad to die last amongst your friends, don't you think so?

34% chance of going to hell. sheesh. so i die at 79, then have a 34% chance of going to hell? what is a 79-year old going to do there? oh, i'm only half as evil as my high school friends. maybe they'll welcome me 'home' (if they went before me)...hihihihi....then we'll party...LOL...

6. i knew it. i was destined to be an excellent mom...hihihi...it also said i can be an excellent teacher. i say pre-school teacher would be more like it. i just love love love kids! and with 6 as a love number, the analysis goes as: Who you fall in love with is all about who you trust.Loyalty is important to you, and you want the most faithful of lovers.In return, you never let your heart or eyes wander.Open and honest, your relationships tend to be free of secrets. 'Nuff said!

that thing about my brain's supposed gender? let's just say i'm relieved to find out that everything's just right in my anatomy. i mean, you really wouldn't be able to imagine how somebody can be so kikay yet thinks like a man, huh? that's just demented.

and lastly, i really didn't have to take a personality test to know that i always commit myself 100% to a relationship and not cheat!

typical boy, typical girl: a long postscript

2005-05-19T23:34:00.000+08:00

during last saturday's dinner with the girls, one interesting issue we talked about was how boys only make telebabad when they're courting a girl. although this was brought up by a friend, i had my fair share of this enough to write about it. i do hope, though, that my friend's boyfriend doesn't read this entry or think i'm not referring to him. boys are dense anyway, so i'm taking the chance that he doesn't know he's become one of those boys.

so this friend of mine says her boyfriend doesn't want to talk on the phone for a long time anymore, whereas when he was still courting her, it really wasn't an issue at all. i remember how boys amazingly match my ability to stay on the phone for hours, even way into the wee hours of the morning. conversations were usually about anything and everything, with a couple of paramdams on the side. an ex-boyfriend of mine was, and still is, a health buff who takes sleep rather seriously. but when we were in the getting-to-know-you stage, he transformed into this night owl so much so that whenever i asked him if he was already getting sleepy, he'd be quick to say, "no! not at all" hahaha...as if!!! i knew on the inside he was probably doing all the self-talk he could to stay awake. ah....what boys do to impress their girls!!!

and that was how it all went throughout that stage. it's funny because whenever i told any of his friends how late we stayed up talking on the phone, they were beyond bewildered!!! they just couldn't believe it. i understood their bewilderment when we finally hooked up. it wasn't long until he began cutting short our conversations, even way before 11pm. i really wasn't bothered because i also had school at that time. but there was this instance wherein he slept the whole afternoon away (and i mean the whole afternoon) yet he still wanted to sleep at 10pm. i didn't think it was humanly possible to sleep the entire afternoon away and then actually be sleepy a few hours after. so the girl that i was, and still am, i kind of made a big deal out of that small thing. BIG mistake! he launched into this whole tirade about me making such a big fuss out of his sleeping habits. amazing. amazing because we broke up a few days after that. although i do think there was more to it than just about his sleeping habits...hehehehe

looking back, it was pretty funny (although i didn't think it was funny at that time). i thought it was just exclusive to me and my ex but hearing a friend of mine talk about her present situation, i'm beginning to realize that this might be more prevalent than i thought.

my sweetheart of a boyfriend now isn't really an exception to the rule or to this 'epidemic' (oh goodness, if and when he reads this, i'm in for a long discussion...hahahahaha) you see, back in december, when we were in our own getting-to-know-you stage, we'd spend hours on the phone, too. i remember one time, we even ended up talking way past 5am. and just recently, i was teasing him about a text message i got from him way back when we started dating that said, "text me if you're not yet sleepy." we ended up laughing about it because we both knew i wasn't going to get that ever again!!! i told him i should've saved it for posterity. i should've!

because just this night, he comes home at 10pm and i call him up at around 1030pm, hoping for a little talk before he goes to sleep, and what happens? his cordless is about to die on him, and he sounds to me so sleepy it's as if he's drunk. and this, my friends, is the 3rd day in a row i haven't seen him. i'm not going to see him tomorrow either because he's off to a dinner party which i'm not going to (i don't even want to go into why i'm not going). so in short, i get a little frustrated that time is not on our side, the stress is getting to him, blah blah blah...and now i end up a little weirded out because on one hand, i feel guilty about not being the sweet girlfriend that i usually am saying things like, "oh, i know you had a rough day at work...why don't you sleep na and i'll talk to you tom nalang...goodnight!" or something like that. on the other hand, i feel a little put out because i'm not going to see him tomorrow when i could have had that chance. so i ended up sounding suplada (although that wasn't really my intention, believe me) saying something like this, "edi you sleep na!" and he, in his sleepiness, grunts something that sounded like an uh-huh to me. so i said, "ok" and immediately hung up the phone. total time on the phone? 3 minutes. not the romantic little talk i was hoping for. but hey, it's better than no talk at all. i, for one, appreciate the effort.

so this whole thing about boys and telebabad, i think i've got it a little mapped out. if he's burning the phone lines with you, he could be one of two things: one, he's courting you, or two, he's gay.

you see, boys who are interested in you will do anything to get to know you. they will endure whatever it is that makes you happy like shopping (and by this i mean walking aimlessly in the mall without buying anything at all), and telebabad. so when you guys hook up and officially become a couple, he thinks he's got you figured out enough to save him from that dreaded telebabad. he's already secure that he has you to understand the quirks of being a guy involved in a relationship.

in my case, it has become pretty ironic. when a guy is making moves on me, i never miss my favorite show for a conversation with him. case in point: i was in the middle of a conversation with a guy when i looked at my clock which read 9pm. it was time for charmed. so i butt in, tell him i have to watch the show, and that if he still wants to talk, i'd be available in an hour. i wasn't about to budge. that is how full of conviction i am when i'm not even the least bit interested in a guy. but with my boyfriend right now, when he calls me up at night, and i'm watching a show i really like, i turn it off to talk to him. we don't stay up and talk the night away anymore, but i do want to give him my full attention.

moreover, i've come to realize that somehow, the tables have turned. for during the time that my boyfriend was pulling out all the stops to make his intentions known, he put off a lot of things such as gimiks with the barkada, badminton games, golf-watching, etc. now, he's back in the thick of things with his barkada, in full gear during badminton nights and gets enough time to watch golf. i, on the other hand, have turned down a few invitations from high school friends, from my mom, etc. to spend time with my man. isn't that interesting?

i'm not complaining, though. no, really. i'm not.

my bestfriend ve says the three of us (in our barkada, that is) are really like this. meaning, when we have boyfriends, everything else takes a back seat. and i mean, everything. healthy or not, that is what happens, or should i say, what we allow to happen. but hey, that's where our happiness thrives--to be with our men and to make them happy. they really become our first priority. so you can just imagine how miserable we are when things don't work out. miserable doesn't even do us justice.

but in any case, i understand where my friend is coming from. i think what matters here is to know where you stand in your man's life, to know your place. girls can't push their boyfriends to spend long hours on the phone. it just isn't how they are. as for me, i don't resent anything that has happened in this relationship of mine, not even the fact that we don't make telebabad as often as before or that we don't see each other as often as before. because i think, if i made such a big fuss out of all these, i'd be missing out on the stuff that really matters like how he still gives me a call from the office whenever time permits him to, or how he still manages to text me every night when he gets home even if he's very sleepy that he gets the spelling all mixed up.

women will always notice the difference in a guy's behavior because it's very easy to point out. what's difficult is for women to either get past it and make adjustments or say enough is enough.

i've noticed changes in my relationship with my boyfriend but i'm not complaining because i didn't expect this to be a perfect relationship to begin with. every day is a work in progress to reach that middle ground where the two of us are happy and satisfied. i don't feel like there's lesser love than before just because there's lesser attention. on the contrary, i feel that there's more love because there's more faith--he trusts that i can understand him given all his concerns, and i trust that he's made me a significant part of his life.

ours may be far from being a perfect relationship but whenever we spend time together and laugh about ourselves, or just about anything, make tampo then make up afterwards, i think to myself that i really couldn't ask for more. not even one lousy telebabad session.

superbowl get together

2005-05-14T23:13:00.000+08:00

you know how girls get together and just never run out of stories to tell? well, after 5 months of not getting all 6 of us college friends in one dinner table, that was exactly what happened. i saw several people shoot us with annoyed what-the-hell-are-they-laughing-about looks but hey, i didn't care. hell, we didn't even notice that the place was almost deserted as we left!

i read somewhere that not having close friends is as dangerous to one's health as smoking. these 5 girls are my closest college friends, what with the long breaks in between classes, the grueling overnights for projects, the "chilling in the bench" (ala howie), the studying in the lib, and the pretending to study in the lib (we've all had taken naps in the lib, come on, admit it!)...i just love love these girls! of course, we've seen each other in our best and worst, in our most in love days and in our most miserable days (usually triggered by failed relationships or pathetic grades...hehe). in fact, i still have a bundle of notes written by these 5 women when i was heartbroken...now, i think i can actually pass it on to one of us. a full circle, i'd say.

of course, when we got together, we couldn't help but talk about the men in our lives--some about the men we didn't want in our lives, some about the men we still wonder why they even entered our lives!!! hahaha...but then again, i got to talk about the man who is, undeniably, the man i've always wanted to have in my life. not only that, i finally was able to introduce him to them before we called it a night. finally.

a year after college graduation, i often get nostalgic thinking about college life. and when you look back, it's not the grades you dwell on anymore, but the company of people that helped you get through the most boring or the most hell day in college. it's great to have great friends, great to get together as often as possible. i can't wait till the next rendezvous!

group pic! (dwen, ada, me, gaile, jelaine, and maan)

from young ones to young moms

2005-05-09T23:57:00.000+08:00

it is a known fact among my close friends that my greatest fear is to not be able to have kids. i just love love love children that even the thought of not being able to have one is already daunting for me. as an only child, i've never wanted to have a kid sister or brother, though. nevertheless, i simply adored babies, and up to now, there is not a day in the mall that passes without me and my mom talking about babies/kids we find amusing.

this evening, ve and i talked about having kids in our 20's. our other bestfriend, ape, became a mom at 19 and i've to admit that motherhood has really become her--she's never been prettier, never been more grounded than she is now as a 22-year old mom to almost 3-year old mattie (or matt, as she prefers to call him.) ve said sometimes she forgets that ape is already a mom; i used to also but now there is no denying that the little one means the world to her, that he has changed her life in ways i can only imagine.

i told ve that while there are things in my life i still have to figure out, there is one thing i am sure of, and that is i want to start my own family. i think of the married life, being a mom, and everything about it, including all that is difficult, is beautiful to me. it amazes me to think of this capacity to rear children into the world, to have them mean everything to you, and for you to mean everything to them. i think it's beyond special to be given such a big responsibility of being a parent, of being a teacher, of having that capacity to raise kids. it blows me away to think of mini-me's and 10-pound versions of my man...hehe...i love it. being a wife, a mom, it just feels so right for me, like being comfortable in your own skin, knowing that that is who you're supposed to be.

of course, i am not yet all of these. i am not in a hurry, though. the thought of starting my own family doesn't excite me in the same way that a kid gets all hyped for a trip to the beach or something. it doesn't even sound right when i say 'excited' because now, to me, it feels more like a desire, a strong longing to have that fulfilled when everything is in its rightful place.

nail spa retreat for the d-strings ladies

2005-04-30T01:59:00.000+08:00

my boyfriend says that whenever girls are together, they never fail to discuss their own romantic relationships. but hey, that's what girls do whether they be talking on the phone, window shopping, having coffee, or in this case, getting their nails done. this picture of me, jeli, and gaile was taken last april 27, on a d-strings reunion of sorts (minus dwen, who i believe, was in china at that time) at nail spa in shang. we took advantage of the fact that the boys were still on their way to shang from makati and talked about yeah, you guessed it, boys. at least the ones we love, not the ones we used to love...hahahaha!!! girl talk while having your nails done? doesn't get more kikay than that! here's to the next d-strings reunion!

d-strings girls (minus dwen) at nail spa

you'll never guess where i got these

2005-04-27T03:10:00.000+08:00

these nuggets of wisdom are just too good to keep to myself. here goes:

on self-confidence

don't underrate yourself. humility deserves honor and respect, but a low opinion of yourself leads to sin.

do not let others have their way at your expense; do not bring on your own ruin by giving up your rights. (think: bradford of The Apprentice, Season 2)

don't hide your wisdom. your wisdom and education can be known only by what you say. do not, however, go against the truth, and remember that you do not know everything.

don't allow yourself to be dominated by someone who is stupid or show partiality to influential people.

stand up for what is right, even if it costs you your life.

on sincerity and self-control

be certain about what you believe and consistent in what you say.

don't try to please everyone or agree with everything people say.

if you don't know what to say, keep quiet. speaking can bring you either honor or disgrace; what you say can ruin you.

on friendship

some people will be your friends only when it is convenient for them, but won't stand by you in trouble.

a loyal friend is like a safe shelter; find one and you have found a treasure. nothing else is as valuable; there is no way of putting a price on it.

never abandon old friends; you will never find a new one who can take their place. friendship is like wine; it gets better as it grows older.

on relations with others

don't betray a friend for money. don't betray a real friend for all the gold in the world.

if you have sons, educate them. teach them self-discipline while they are young.

if you have daughters, keep them virtuous, and don't be too indulgent with them. when you give your daughter in marriage, you have finished a great task, but give her to a sensible man. (so self-discipline for boys, virtue for girls...hmmm...kinda makes sense to me, if you know what i mean)

do not trust yourself to someone you don't love. true true true...

on appearances

do not look down on someone who is unattractive. compared to most flying things, a bee is very small, but the honey it makes is the sweetest of foods.

on being cautious

don't get into an argument over something that is none of your business.

when things are going well, people don't think about hard times; and when things are going badly, they forget about prosperity. all our happiness can be erased in one moment of misery.

on cheerfulness and sadness

don't deliberately torture yourself by giving in to depression.

don't worry all the time. worry never did anybody any good.

jealousy and anger will shorten your life. (thank goodness i don't get angry nor am i the jealous type)

on behavior at dinner parties

when you sit down at a fancy banquet, don't let you mouth hang open, and don't say, "Look at all that food!" (uh-oh) It is impolite to have a greedy eye; remember that. nothing in creation is greedier than the eye; that is why it sheds tears so often.

when you get your food, eat it like a human being. (so aptly put!)

don't smack and slurp; nobody can stand that.

don't try to prove your manhood by how much you can drink. that has been the ruin of many.

on being independent

as long as you have breath in your body, don't let anyone lead your life for you.

keep control over all that you do; don't let anything stain your reputation.

on taking advice

don't ask advice of anyone who doesn't trust you, and don't give advice to anyone who is jealous of you.

don't ask a woman for advice about a rival of hers, a coward about war, a merchant about a bargain (masarap ba tong tinda mo?haha), a buyer about selling, a stingy person about gratitude, a cruel person about kindness, a lazy person about work.

trust your own judgment; no one's advice is more reliable.

on fathers and daughters

although he will not let his daughter know it, a father will lie awake at night worrying about her. if she is young, he worries that she might not get married. if she is already married, he worries about her happiness. if she is a virgin, he worries that she might be seduced and become pregnant while living in his house.

keep a close watch over your daughter if she is determined to have her own way. (umm....Pa?)

don't let her show off her beauty in front of men (so pagmomongha ba ito?) or spend her time talking with the women. women hurt other women just as moths damage clothing. nnnngggaaarrrrrrrrr!!!

-----

i got all that from the bible (book of sirach, to be exact). oh shush it! insomniacs can do anything they want to do to while away the time. so don't ask me, "Mecks, aaaaahhh...bakit ka nagbabasa ng bible?"

written in the stars?

2005-04-22T02:52:00.000+08:00

i love reading horoscopes. be it the serious ones or the undeniably out-of-this-world types that the Loyola Lampoon dishes out, reading horoscopes is one of my many guilty pleasures.

i got a ton of magazines over the week from onry, a friend of mine who works for a media company but he's a guy so he doesn't appreciate cosmo, mega, preview, etc. when his mom finishes the stack, he sends them over to his girlfriend, gaile, who reads them (and so do the other women in her family) then she sends them over to me! so i stumbled on an astro special and the piece on aquarians was so right on the money for me i just have to put it here. it goes:

aquarians surf through life at a cool, calm, and collected pace. these levelheaded water bearers

operate on the mind-over-heart philosophy--always rationalizing first, and then acting on their

feelings next. despite their levelheadedness, aquarians are also unpredictable and a little schizophrenic--they can switch from unadulterated laughter one minute to serious sobriety the next. aquarians genuinely want to make the world a better place, and do all they can to preserve their utopian, ivory tower ideals.

the pros:

innovative, friendly, tolerant, independent

the cons:

uninvolved, emotionally detached, impractical, rebellious

sooo true. my mom says i'm apathetic, or in her own words, "wala lang..." hehehe...i bet mai, my high school best bud will agree 100% about me being a little schizo. sometimes i even surprise myself. oh, and yeah. i remember there was this one time my boyfriend and i were driving and we stopped at a red light. the whole intersection was at a standstill, cars were not moving at all because the lane that was supposed to be green and go had absolutely no vehicle cruising it! and i suddenly broke into this wild, hysterical laughter i was already in tears! my boyfriend, i can just imagine, must have thought about driving me straight to the mental institution instead (which, mind you, is a stone's throw from my house.)

this whole assessment of aquarians may not hold true for others but this is probably the most accurate reading i've gotten. i am, indeed, a cool cat, but a weird one, at that!

and another interesting part of it is that it says a love match for aquarians is a libra...my boyfriend's a libran...hehehe

so i learned that we're both air signs, and this is what air signs are all about:

air signs always have their heads up in the clouds. every gust of wind ushers in a million thoughts--this is whay makes the air signs the great brainiacs of the zodiac. these gifted conversationalists will offer you priceless discussions and debates, and can easily persuade you to do practically anything with their excellent convincing power.

and since we're air-air, here's the reading:

the good:

air people instantly understand each other even if no words are spoken between them

the bad:

when opinions contradict, it can be cause for a major windstorm, which happens a lot because air people do love a good argument

this is true for us, but not totally because we don't get into fights per se. we love a good conversation, maybe that's how i'd put it.

well, written in the stars or not, there is just one word i will never, never use to describe myself: SIMPLE. that is just so not me. and people who know me know that that is true. hehe.

and as for my lovelife, hmmm, i'm an air sign, he's an air sign...i guess love is just in the air!

i cannot...i do not...

2005-04-18T23:25:00.000+08:00

today i had cocktails with my future bosses and colleagues. good food, great company. the svp for HR told the 5 of us neophytes to say something about ourselves to make them remember us. and so i thought, this is going to be easy as there's just a plethora of things i cannot and do not do (by choice) to share with them...here's a rundown:

I cannot...

swim properly
ride a bike
learn how to play card games (my brain just won't process the "rules and regulations")
play chess
estimate distance (i have no idea how far 238km is)
be sporty (even if i tried)
attempt to be confrontational
memorize a piano piece (except for the repetitive ones)
be all friendly-friendly (i am picky with the people i mingle with)
write an essay in a noisy place (an A essay, that is)

I do not...

eat red meat (since April 2004)
drink softdrinks
smoke
drink
sleep on time
call my boyfriends by their first names
order juices or iced tea in restaurants or anywhere anymore (there's just too much sugar, i think)
eat chicken skin, except when it's KFC
like a lot of salt (so when i'm at home or whenever possible, eggs are never salted, neither is the fried rice and chicken)
get "harassed" by anything (i'm always cool, calm, and collected, as they say)

so there goes my top-of-head lists...believe me, there is more...i'm tempted to make a list of my "I have never..." and "I will never..." but maybe next time...

typical boy, typical girl

2005-04-15T00:44:00.000+08:00

my guy friends often tell me that i must not generalize men. only the bravest of them will admit to what i, together with a lot of my girlfriends, have come to conclude as typical men behavior when in a romantic relationship. my boyfriend, of course, insists that i expound on this before he gives me a piece of his mind. so here goes...

whenever a girlfriend of mine is being wooed by a guy, you know, the typical let-me-follow-you-around-like-a-lovesick-puppy, or the let-me-send-you-a-have-you-eaten-na text, or the unfailing baguio-is-not-far-from-alabang-i-can-drive-you-there-i-don't-mind line, we always tell her that she should enjoy that 'stage' since it is the most nakakakilig part of the whole story, and make sure she prolongs this period. and i am telling you, this is one advice girls should take seriously from their girlfriends because it is almost always the truth.

we say it is the most nakakakilig because this is the stage wherein the boy makes the girl feel almost like a princess. suddenly he has to carry her things (even her pink purse), walk her to class (which is 3 buildings away from his own class), make sure she's eaten her lunch, and the list can go on forever. in short, he willl do almost anything humanly possible just to make her happy, just to show her that he really, really likes her.

and we girls sometimes get swept off our feet to be whisked off to cloud 9 and 7th heaven.

let's say the boy's efforts pay off, and they become a couple. a few weeks, months even, of what they call, the 'honeymoon period' wherein the two are just inseparable with stars in their eyes. then, that's when the second part of the girlfriends' advice come in handy (prolong the wooing period) as the guy takes a little breather from launching his all-out i-will-pluck-the-moon-from-the-skies-for-you mode. we gotta admit, that could really take its toll on a boy's resources...physical and financial...hehe...

when he was wooing the girl, he missed out on a lot of gimiks with the boys, basketball games (or whatever sport the boy is into), gym workouts, and what have you's. now that she's safely his, he now falls back, albeit slowly and cautiously, into his usual routine.

i don't want to further dig into this because i don't want to come off as if i'm complaining. i am very happy, very content, and very much in love, with my man, thank you. (babe, go and read that again...hehe)

what i just want to say is that this notion of the 'typical boy' isn't a creation of women at all. i think, boys get the technical merit for this as they unconsciously fall into this category. i want to be fair and say that some boys really don't do all that just to get the girl then make a 360-degree character shift. maybe it just is difficult for the boy to show the girl how much she means to him, much more to make her believe him, that he has to resort to great lengths to prove to her that he really does care for her.

but then, undeniably, there are cases wherein the guy really fails in comparison with his manliligaw self. remember the song with the line, "you don't bring me flowers anymore"? maybe this is what that song is about. i think some, and emphasis on some, boys are like salesmen when they woo a girl. magaling mag-sales talk, pagkatapos wala na. i've seen this happen to a lot of my girlfriends and that's just plain sad.

in any case, i guess things really have to be 'normal' again for the couple. being followed around by a guy everyday isn't normal unless you're a hollywood actress, and admittedly, it can get suffocating to be constantly asked whether you've eaten your lunch, or whether you've slept well. and i think, as a couple, you both create a 'new normal' wherein you incorporate both of your realities. sounds romantic to me...

perhaps for girls, it becomes a little hard to accept that the wooing stage cannot go on forever. a little girl daydreams of being a princess and when a guy comes into her adult life treating her like one, it becomes difficult to let go and return to being her normal self. it doesn't mean that when a guy doesn't shower you with as much attention as before, he loves you less. i think if a girl does her best to understand the guy, he will actually appreciate her more.

personally, i sometimes launch into this "we're-not-spending-as-much-time-together-as-before" mode but i really, really try to talk myself out of it because i understand that i am not the only concern my boyfriend has. sometimes i'm successful, sometimes i'm not. and for the times i fail to talk myself out of it, i just tell my boyfriend that it's a "typical girl thing." i don't know if he buys it, but it's the closest to the truth i can find. i read even lucy torres launches into this mode sometimes. and she says it's a girly thing to do. so there.

the most important thing for me regarding this "issue," i guess, is that love will allow you to accept the different facets of a relationship, whether typical or difficult. for as long as you are loved, treated well, and respected, i suppose that is royal treatment enough.

i think in a relationship, one has to remember that while it takes two to tango, it also takes two to tangle. so if you want it to work, you must work at it without fail. that, i say, is the typical thing to do.

me, you, and us

2005-04-13T14:36:00.000+08:00

i've recently been reading a book i got from a priest 2 years ago. the book, entitled "Sex, Love, or Infatuation: How Can I Really Know?" didn't appeal to me at age 20 since it claims to be the book you should read before you get married and at that time, the whole marriage thing was the least of my concerns. but now...well, let's just say a lot can change in a span of 2 years...

according to the book, there are 14 clues to help you assess whether it's real love or infatuation and when i was reading the 11th clue ("How do you feel about and refer to your relationship?"), i began thinking about how wonderful it is to find someone you can easily mesh with. it's like finding the perfect shade of lipstick, or the perfect jeans, or the perfect job for the kind of person you are. a semester of philosophy is enough for me to know that the famous, "You complete me," line may sound romantic, but is truly pathetic, and this chapter speaks of a certain oneness that doesn't obliterate the "me" and the "you" in the "us". there's a part that goes,

there results a strong feeling of oneness; each person feels fully
accepted, protected and secure. they are still unique, separate
persons, but they merge themselves into a pattern of common
bonds. in this sense they have become, "unselfed."

i guess this is why in some barkadas, if two people become romantically involved, they become a "packaged deal" such that if one doesn't attend a gimik, it's almost always the case that the other also does not attend. but i think there really is a time, especially in the beginning of a relationship that the world seems to close in on just the two of you. and then, when you both get down from cloud 9 and return to reality, they become (hopefully) more involved in the world that has just gotten bigger for the two of them. now, they get to meet the friends and family of the other person, making them more a part of the other person's life. this is, perhaps, where sharing in another's life comes in. while they used to enjoy doing things as singles, they now find a new joy in being able to share those things with their SOs. and for me, that is really quite romantic.

my first relevant glimpse into this was on a bright february sunday after my birthday when i joined my boyfriend as he ran his usual errands. so we had lunch at marina in jupiter, then had coffee at starbucks, did some groceries at shopwise, then heard mass at st. andrew's, went to the laundry shop then had a light dinner at mann hann over in wilson. these may really sound very ordinary, but the thing is, it feels great to be part of somebody else's life, being let in on his routine, and just plain having fun over something as mundane as racing each other to look for a certain brand of toothpaste in the supermarket.

i wish i could do this with him every sunday, but i'm thinking it might take away the novelty. i wish,then, i could take my boyfriend shopping (to let him in on my routine), but i'm thinking it might test his patience. no, let me rephrase that. i KNOW it will wipe out every trace of patience he has in his body. i won't risk it...hehe

but seriously,

i think the simple, even ordinary moments that we share with our SOs make us more aware of the beauty that lies in being able to accomodate another person into our life, allowing that person to see the real us, accepting that while in a relationship there is a "you" and "me," there is still, as the movie title goes, the story of "us."

i may have seen a lot of things in my life sort of "fall into place" but none probably as naturally as this newfound "us."

here's a poem from the book:

take a lump of clay,
wet it, pat it,
make a statue of you
and a statue of me.
then shatter them, clatter them,
add some water,
and break them and mold them,
into a statue of you
and a statue of me.
then in mine, there are bits of you
and in you there are bits of me
nothing ever shall keep us apart.

marriage: here's what i think

2005-04-12T22:06:00.000+08:00

i got to chat with boom tonight, and as usual, it turned into one of those deep, serious conversations we used to share in the past.

we talked about the whole concept of marriage, how it seems so real now, so within reach. he said a lot of his cousins were getting married and he was almost the only one left. we talked about not being established enough to earn the right and the privilege to even think of getting married. i told him it saddened me to think of how people end up in unhappy marriages when in fact they started out with so much promise. it's like you can never be really certain of anything, not even the possibility of forever-in-love. you may be happy now and think that this is the best thing that's happening in your life, but then 10 years down the road you may be thinking, "i want out!" boom said he was more afraid than sad...and yes, it really is so displacing to be confronted with the reality that you can never be so sure. i got a card years ago with a line that goes, "the moment of absolute certainty never arrives." so true, i guess...

that is why i think love has to be nurtured, relationships continuously cultivated. i told boom that a lot of us aspire to have happy marriages in the future but without really fully grasping the idea that a marriage is a day-to-day labor of love. there has to be a conscious effort to make it work, to accept that you've committed yourself not only to the good days but also, and more essentially, to the bad days. i remember my theology teacher saying that when you say, "i do" in your marriage vows, you are saying that while you accept your partner as you know him/her, you are also saying "yes, i accept" to everything else that you do not yet know about him/her, things you might not even like.

i told boom it was like being thrown into a vast unknown, with only your faith to guide you. and this is probably faith in love, faith in each other, and faith in the possibility of finding your own sense of forever as a couple. maybe people are right when they say love isn't enough to make a marriage work, but i think it is enough to make you take risks, take chances and eventually persevere in striving for that attainable, albeit elusive, happy marriage.

i probably don't know anything about marriage, much less making it work, but i do think if spouses believe in a successful marriage, and they live to make it real, and accept everything that goes with such an undertaking, then that passion, that drive will see them through.

but then again, that's only what i think.

in sickness and in health, in flat tires and in stolen kikay kits

2005-04-10T23:52:00.000+08:00

my boyfriend came to fetch me at ve's house, which i thought was a sweet gesture given that he's had a long day and was coming from his house which isn't really a stone's throw away from makati. anyway, i was such in a hurry to get in the car because i knew he hated waiting but ve was so in her element, taking her time in preparing my 'take-out' when i already made her kulit 30 minutes before. so when i was about to hop in, she called me to say something but then at the same time, my boyfriend was hurrying me up, saying there was an emergency, a flat tire. and the damage was so bad (the tire can't be salvaged anymore) we had to stay there for like 30 minutes or so, thank goodness there was a man who ran a talyer a few steps away. and so there i was, holding up a flashlight, 'coz that, honestly, was the only thing i could do. oh well...

i know how boys are with their cars, and this boyfriend of mine is no exception. the whole ride home, i was so worried at how upset he was because of everything that i felt guilty that he had to come and fetch me. the tried and tested "put yourself in his shoes" test to understand how he felt at that moment did not work at all because if i ran a flat tire, i wouldn't cuss and begin borrowing jacks and take out my tool box (if i even had one). i would call my boyfriend and ask him to help me. that's what i would do.

so i made for myself an analogy. boys and cars. maybe girls and make-up? that would do it for me. what if i came to meet up with my boyfriend, even if i didn't have to, i just wanted to, and then somebody steals my precious make-up kit (although in reality, i leave it at home). i'd feel pretty bad and make a list in my head of what was in there...and though i can very well buy the same things and create a new kikay kit, there just isn't going to be that "lukso ng dugo" anymore. i don't know what it is with me. i hate losing things. i think replacements can never be quite the original. i'm pathetic. i think i'm going to puke...hahaha

i don't know...i just wish he didn't have to get a flat. maybe we could've gone to have a cup of coffee or something nearby instead of changing tires. that's life, i guess.

my friend's dad (Daddy B) told me that i'd get to know the real person in a crisis. and though this be a minor one, i still love what i'm seeing.

at 22, we're 10 years old!

2005-04-10T23:45:00.000+08:00

it's ve's birthday today and officially, the three of us are all 22! i can't believe it's been ten years since we've formed this barkada -- ten years of meaningful friendship filled with its own share of ups and downs. after gazillions of crushes, a million hours of conversation (both trivial and philosophical), and floods of tears over boys, mother-daughter fights, we still call each other the best friends we can ever find.
this is me, ve, and april before going home...thanks leo for taking the pic!
ape's son is sooo entertaining even at 2 years old! he can sing usher's burn, kitchie nadal's wag na wag mong sasabihin, and maroon 5's she will be loved completely in tune! this kid is also a truck enthusiast who knows payloaders, dump trucks and god knows what else, complete with animated demonstrations of how they work...cool!!! he says things to me like, ninang naman e or kaw talaga or even ano ka, baliw? but my favorite, so far, is when he says, whateeeeeeeever as if he's bisaya!! kaaliw! i wonder what he's going to be up to by the time he reaches 3...
it took mattie less than 15 minutes to fall asleep as he grew tired of us making him repeat all his antics...hehe...

night cream in the morning

2005-04-08T05:00:00.000+08:00

it's 5:00 am as i type and i am not the least bit sleepy. and to think i drank my short-caramel macchiato-nonfat-decaf 7 hours ago...i bet if i didn't have it decaffeinated, i'd be up for the next 12 hours or so.

so i've been thinking, and this isn't really any of those late-night philosophical reflections i might have, whether i should still put on night cream at this hour when i can already hear our househelp preparing breakfast for my mother. yesterday, i was also thinking of this same thing but i put on some night cream anyway, thinking that the whole purpose of these creams was to work their magic as you sleep. i thought, heck, if the whole idea was to let it sit on your face for the whole duration of your sleep, it doesn't matter whether you're an insomniac, as i am, or not. the whole point is to slather your face with it and then sleep. they didn't say beauty sleeps had to be at night.

see, there absolutely wasn't anything philosophical about that.

i guess now i'm just going to lull myself to sleep and wake up in an hour's time to wake my boyfriend up then let him scold me for not sleeping earlier as normal people do and then go back to sleep.

but not before i apply my Burt's Bees Carrot Night Cream.

revisiting Ally McBeal

2005-04-07T02:09:00.000+08:00

i got this from jd's blog but he doesn't know that yet (hehe...thanks anyway, jades!)

i am a loyal follower of ally mcbeal...those people are just so intelligently demented!!! my fave episodes were those involving john's frog, stefan, though...i swear, sometimes mai and i still talk about it and still laugh like crazy...

aside from the antics, i'm really drawn to john's closings...quite philosophical at times (and the philo buff in me just feeds on this..hehe) that is why i am sooo happy i get to watch reruns of Ally McBeal everyday!!! oh well, just read on...

thought exchanges...

Ren矇e Radick: Well, don't get me wrong, Ally ...

Ally McBeal: Why does everyone say that to me? Do I get everything wrong?

Ren矇e Radick: No, it's just that what I am about to say may sound like an insult, so I want to buffer it.

Ally McBeal: Oh, okay.

Ren矇e Radick: Emotionally, you're an idiot.

---

Ally McBeal: I mean, with all due respect, you sort of walk around with uppity breasts, and the hair flips aren't the most subtle. And your perfume - you could be flammable. Now what if somebody shut you down as a safety hazard, how would you feel then?

Elaine Vassal: That was with all due respect?

---

Georgia Thomas: Ally, what makes your problems so much bigger than everybody else's?

Ally McBeal: They're mine.

---

[on Elaine]

Ling Woo: This woman drips with sarcasm at my personal expense.

Nelle Porter: Ling, one of the disadvantages of having magnetism is that you bring people out, people that otherwise would go unnoticed. The fact that she can be so annoying is really a tribute to you!

---

Ally McBeal: Love isn't always enough.

Larry: Yeah, it is. You go without it long enough and you realize it's everything.

---

Ally McBeal: How do these things just spew out of your head like this? Couldn't you at least use your brain as a filter?

Richard Fish: That remark would hurt if I had feelings.

---

Ally McBeal: I kept believing in Santa till I was 12 years old. I just wouldnt give it up.

John "The Biscuit" Cage: And what made you stop?

Ally Mc Beal: My mother. She told me he fondled the elves. Some therapist told her step one was to undermine my admiration for him. Next year she told me that he died. Of a heart attack. Cholesterol. I blamed myself for tempting that poor fat man with cookies and buttermilk. The thought of him struggling down that narrrow chimney...

John "The Biscuit" Cage: And you call me odd?

---

[on Nelle Porter]

Richard Fish: She's good, John -- this woman reminds me of me. Should we hire her?

John "The Biscuit" Cage: It's hard for me to be objective, I'm drawn to her."

Richard Fish: You have no chance, does that help?

---

Richard Fish: Nelle, remember how you hate people talking about you behind your back?

Nelle Porter: Yes.

Richard Fish: I can't do that when you are in the room.

---

Dr. Tracy Clark: He's afraid.

Ally McBeal: Why?

Dr. Tracy Clark: He's interested.

Ally McBeal: Men are supposed to pounce when they're interested.

Dr. Tracy Clark: Hel-lo! They pounce on the wrong girls. When it's the right girl, they turn into bumbling little chickens.

fishisms &...

Richard Fish: You're not who you are, you're only what other people think you are. Fishism.

---

Richard Fish: She told her that you told her about what she told you. I'm in the middle and clueless. I feel like Elaine.

---

Richard Fish: Having a child is a selfish thing. Couples don't walk around wanting to give life. They say, we want a child. We want, we want. It is a selfish thing, a good selfish. Selfish.

---

Richard Fish: Never trust a second thought. Where there is two there is three. You will end up thinking forever.

---

Richard Fish: Personal questions don't bother me. I just lie.

---

Richard Fish: There��s no value to a secret if you can��t repeat it; Fishism.

other -isms &...

Elaine Vassal: A lot of people forget what they're saying in a fit of rage, so I'll be happy to take the minutes.

---

Elaine Vassal: Ally's depressed about her birthday. I know, I've been listening in on her phone calls.

---

Elaine Vassal: That was a snappish remark disguised in a soft tone.

---

Elaine Vassal: Oh, forgive my bluntness. It's a device I use to cope.

---

Ling Woo: It's a problem being beautiful. It's only the handsome men that ask us out because they're the only ones who think they have a chance. And handsome men are dolts. Life is unfair to us. At some point we have to face the certain reality: despite all the good the world seems to offer, true happiness can only be found in one thing - shopping.

---

Ling Woo: I'm rich. I only go into work to wear my outfits!

---

John "The Biscuit" Cage: The world is no longer a romantic place. Some of its people still are however, and therein lies the promise. Don't let the world win, Ally McBeal.

---

John "The Biscuit" Cage: That's the trouble I suppose in coming at people with honesty, some times they counter with it.

---

John "The Biscuit" Cage: By not going down the road, it remains the road ahead which excites me. It even brings me joy.

---

[Ally's psychiatrist plays a tape of people laughing]

Dr. Tracy Clark: Sometimes when a patient says something so competely naive, I find that my own laughter just isn't enough.

& lastly, the mcbealisms &...

Ally McBeal: The truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content, 'cause then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That's the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't even know it.

---

Ally McBeal: I like being a mess. It's who I am.

---

Ally McBeal: Even if I did get past all my problems, I'm just gonna get out and get new ones.

---

Ally McBeal: Sometimes I'm more persuasive when I lack conviction.

---

Ally McBeal: Whenever I get depressed, I raise my hemlines. If things don't change, I am bound to be arrested.

---

Ally McBeal: Maybe I'll share my life with somebody... maybe not. But the truth is, when I think back of my loneliest moments, there was usually somebody sitting there next to me.

---

Ally McBeal: Who wants to be balanced? Balance is overrated!

---

Ally McBeal: Sometimes I'm tempted to become a street person, cut off from society. But then I wouldn't get to wear my outfits.

---

[on her short skirts]

Ally McBeal: Men are always trying to mentally undress me. I'm just trying to save them some time, that's all.

---

Ally Mc Beal: I think I just need to believe that it works. Love, couple hood, partnerships. The idea that when two people come together, they stay together. I have to take that to bed with me every night, even if I'm going to bed alone. That's a McBealism.

---

Ally Mc Beal: There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me; there are some loves that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky enough to end up with somebody who has a little of that insanity. Someone who never lets go. Someone who cherishes you forever.

beauty runs in the family...hehe...

2005-03-27T15:35:00.000+08:00

Kids are so adorable, and this cousin of mine is not only adorable but also maldita which makes me love her even more coz she's like a mini-me, even worse! hehe... this is the only picture we have together that she actually smiled, given that she doesn't have teeth!! i wonder, she's only 4 years old, why she already lost her teeth..i figured it wouldn't be until she'd turn 6 or something..oh well..i'm not a mom..

cheska the maldita (yes, she's even worse than i am...)

monday getaway

2005-03-21T23:23:00.001+08:00

Tagaytay has a special meaning to me and my guy. The first weekend we started going out, we went to Tagaytay because I brought it up as a joke. You know, the usual, ��Where do you want to go?�� And I actually got tired of saying, ��It��s up to you,�� that I blurted out, ��Tagaytay!�� without really expecting him to take it, or me, seriously. But he did (because I think he was making pa-impress��多ehehe) and this was where a lot of long conversations began.

So it was really a nice surprise when last Friday, he told me to sleep early on Sunday night because we were going to Tagaytay the next day. And what made the whole surprise really cute was that the day he told me about the surprise, I was also asking myself when we were going to go back to the place. My guy says he can read my mind better than a soothsayer can. I think so, too��

Off to Tagaytay we went, on a clear Monday morning and I was in high spirits despite the one-hour sleep I had. Nothing beats a getaway on a weekday and a man with a plan. We ate at Massimo��s (since I am an Italian food lover) while enjoying the wind breeze I can only wish Manila can have. We were supposed to get a spa treatment over at Nurture Spa (the place is so pretty and relaxing!) but decided to just return the next time we were in the area so we can spend more time for pampering and not having to worry about getting caught in the rush hour traffic. So we went back to Manila and just watched a movie at Eastwood, bringing junk food from the Tagaytay trip. What a day, I��d say.

I love to be able to get away sometimes, even if I��m just bumming around and don��t really have something to get away from, except maybe the boredom and heat. But wherever the getaway, I��m just happy to spend it with my guy who can make any place we go to special just by being there with me.

bearing witness

2005-02-20T23:35:00.000+08:00

When I watched Shall We Dance yesterday, I thought about a particular question in the film that I never really thought of asking myself: ��Why do people get married?��

Susan Sarandon��s character answers,
��We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything-- the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying, 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

There must be a million and one reasons (both right and wrong) why people get married, but nobody ever said you ought to stick to just one reason to justify your decision. In any case, this particular quote struck me in the same way as when my Philosophy teacher in junior year asked, ��Who��s going to live as a testament to the fact that you lived? Who��s going to remember that you lived?�� And mind you, this isn��t about leaving offsprings, or having monuments named after you. Rather, it��s about living on long after you��ve gone, having people live their lives differently because your existence, however simple or uneventful as it may have seemed, mattered to them.

Of course, we can always say our parents are going to remember that we lived; our siblings, relatives, and friends are definitely going to miss us when we die. But I guess, the romantic in me will say that what women mean to their husbands (and vice-versa) is different from what they mean to their friends, children, relatives, etc. I say it��s because there��s a level of deep intimacy involved and the existence of a union that goes beyond the physical, the measurable, and the here and now.

I��ve heard a lot about marriage, enough to know that it isn��t something one should rush into, yet never quite enough to make me an unbeliever. The world can go on talking about failing marriages and marriages bound to doom, I don��t give a damn. I still love the idea of having someone who actually looks forward to seeing my face (in all it��s shameless, don��t-disturb-me-I��m-kissing-Brad Pitt-in-my-dream glory) first thing in the morning for the next God-knows-how-many years of his life; or maybe just someone who dies a little when I leave (for work or for the nearby talipapa); or even someone who knows me all too well that he can read my mind and knows that when I say, ��Nothing,�� when he asks, ��What��s wrong?�� he knows that something is, indeed, wrong��

My boyfriend says I��m a bonafide woman (not that there��s been room for doubt), in the sense that I always have to be reassured that I��m loved, I��m pretty, I��m sexy (more emphasis on the last two�� he isn��t my boyfriend for nothing! Hehe) I guess women are like that precisely because of what the quote above posits: having a witness to our lives. Now, to avoid being attacked by feminist movements, I��m going to say that it goes beyond having witnesses to the physical. And it does, really. It��s feeling how important we are to somebody, how our presence makes them more alive, and how our absence makes them wish they could move mountains to be with us. I��m not trying to rationalize women��s insecurities (because honestly, sometimes it��s just plain, unfounded insecurity) with what I��m saying, but it��s probably more of lending depth to the notion of having a witness to your life, and being a witness to another��s.

I guess having witnesses to our lives in a marriage is like celebrities having the paparazzi follow them everywhere. And I don��t mean this in a negative, annoying manner. On the contrary, it��s like having your life, even the most ordinary aspects of it, mean a lot to another, so much that this other person devotes a part of who he is (if not his entire self) to keep on witnessing it unfold. This, too, perhaps, is where the notion of commitment comes in, in the sense that however boring the everyday has become, you still choose to bear witness to the dreariness of it. And just like the paparazzi, the high��s and low��s of the person��s life will always be the points where your commitment as witness is put to the test (I��ve included the high��s in this with thesemundane examples in mind: a guy has to understand how fundamentally gratifying it is for a woman to find, among a heap of clothes on sale, the shirt she likes in exactly her size; and likewise, a woman has to accept that that shot was indeed, an impossible shot to make, and the fact that it spelled the difference between winning and losing, well, that��s just, freakin�� amazing!

I��m thinking this concept of having witnesses to our lives in a marriage does not lie in the realm of idealism and hopeless romanticism. I personally think that it��s deeply ingrained in all of us, in our innermost desire to share our lives with someone who��s passionate enough to care about us. More importantly, I guess it��s about loving more than our hearts can allow that makes us avid witnesses to our partners in life.

of doubters and skeptics

2005-02-16T23:42:00.000+08:00

on my 22nd birthday, i forgot to do one very important thing: visit a church. this wasn't the first time i failed to do so, but my 2nd. a play on 2's, huh? it was my mother's panata, as she'd call it, that i visit a church every birthday of mine. apparently, she was worried about how sickly i was as a kid that she had to make some kind of a promise such as this. so to make up for my lack of reverence to her promise, i paid our nearby church a friendly visit a day late.

i wasn't really planning to stay long, hence, i left the house in short shorts and a decent shirt. i was, instead, planning to walk 2 blocks to the nearby atm. however, when i reached the church, there was a mass and i couldn't bring myself inside, lest i might cause a stir with what i was wearing. i decided to stay outside and listen in on the homily, something i usually don't do (unless it's delivered by a Jesuit...hehe)

the priest was talking about how this society of ours has become so keen on asking for signs (being doubtful and skeptical); he said we are always looking for God in the extraordinary events, somewhat like waiting for a repeat of the multiplication of loaves or the turning of water to wine. this actually struck me, as i reflected on how i was also watching out for significant happenings in my life in order for me to believe that there is, indeed, a greater being. a lot of people are, in fact, egging me on to go back to praying, but for me, it just seems like a big show if i did. somehow, the things that happened to me, stuff i think i didn't deserve, caused me to turn my back on an already ailing faith. it was a betrayal of sorts, like a feeling that nothing was going my way. i had complete control over what i can do with my life, i thought. it doesn't mean that just because one doesn't pray, one can't get what he wants or deserves.

so as i was listening on, i remembered a line from a poem that boiled down to something like, "If God doesn't give you what you want, it's probably not for you, or not yet the time." i guess this is right, for what do i know of the great scheme of things? nothing, probably. i know only of asking for signs, of the validity of feeling betrayed when everything seems to just not go your way. the priest said this was perfectly understandable, especially among the poor who cannot see progress in their day-to-day activities. and this was like a slap on my face as i was standing by the church i entered as frequently as i did the men's CR in shangri-la in 2004 (read: never).

i'd say our blessings are really more abundant than we can estimate. the fact is, we will never really know how fortunate we are unless we see people in lesser states than we are in. but the thing is, it's not enough to know how blessed we are, rather, i think it's in how we perceive our roles in society given what we have, knowing that we are more able to sleep comfortably than others, that what we can spend on gimik night, some have to break their backs for an entire month to earn.

these were just some of the thoughts running through my head as i stood there half-thinking that this was a good homily, and the other half thinking that this would be a good premise to write an entry on...hehe...seriously, though, when the priest said we shouldn't look for God in the extraordinary events, but in the everyday, i knew he was right. everyday miracles, i'd say, like babies being born, the sun never failing to shine, Mango still on sale...ooops..., not that..hehe...everyday miracles, yeah...what i mean is, our realities have transcended boundaries what with the Internet, media, etc., such that we've unconsciously blocked the mystery in the seemingly mundane events. i think what's missing is the way we look around us with wonder (hmm...sounds like a Philo lesson to me), like how babies do...it's like they see everything for the first time. but for us, who've spent forever and a day going about stuff that seem to matter, the everyday has just become, well, everyday! normal, routine, mundane, uneventful...no "wow!" factor...

i think there's nothing wrong with asking for signs. what, perhaps, is wrongful, is to equate the granting of it to the existence of a transcendent power. i say wrongful, because if it isn't granted, then knowing how humans are and the vulnerability of our hearts, we can easily equate it to the thought that we've been abandoned, much like how the person in the "Footprints in the Sand" thought.

i've already probably ran the risk of sounding moralizing, but if it's any consolation, i know i'm still a long way to go from delivering a meaningful, heartfelt prayer. however, i know that there is no other way to go but back to the faith i left before i felt betrayed, back to a time when i didn't need to ask for a sign, when i just believed.

it's like love, i guess...it's not in the extraordinary gestures that we know how much we are loved, but in the simple, everyday acts that we tend to overlook.

okay: not the new over

2005-02-14T23:39:00.000+08:00

in this day of hearts, i got a text message from one of my close college friends that sounded like i did way back in 2003. it was about getting over a heartbreak, apparently not yet being okay when you thought you were, and ultimately, just wondering, "when is this going to blow over, and when will genuine happiness be mine again?"

i've been warning my girl friends who are getting over someone that nothing can prepare them for the so-called battle ahead. one of them said she's had sleepless nights and bungled concentration at work where she's officemates with the guy, the other one is just plain getting through it one day at a time. the first one recently claimed as we were chatting that she was already okay and over the guy. mind you, this is the same girl who, back in the last week of december 2004, was unable to think straight, eat right, sleep well, the works, you know...so there we were, chatting away the facts that she had no regrets, no ill feelings, etc. it was good, i thought, and i was really happy for her to have recovered as quickly as her romance fizzled out. at the back of my mind, though, i was concerned that she might retract her claim to normalcy and go through the whole painful process again. i told her to be sure of what she was saying, and she said she was absolutely sure she was okay. she had a new guy, whose name is a funny mix of my exes'...hehe...ah....this is what i mean when i said, "it takes a new guy to forget the previous one..."

my second friend, the one who sent me a text, didn't have the luxury of having a new guy to help her cross from the i'm-not-over-him-yet phase to the i'm-finally-moving-on phase. she was still hurting inside, and frankly, i'm not surprised..although she did claim to be okay before. as i've said, talking to her about what happened, how she's dealing with it, is like talking to my old self, the one who didn't eat for a week (and lost 10lbs as a result), didn't read for Fr. David's class (which, as Ateneans know, is like suicide in the making), etc. now i know how i sounded like! pathetic in hindsight, but hey, during that time, i felt as if even winning the lottery wouldn't make me happy. if i could only strangle the guy she was with...oh well...it'd be like strangling my ex, too...hehe..that'd be fun...

anyway, when i was with our other college friends last saturday, i came to the conclusion that when a girl says she's okay, she probably is. but it doesn't follow that she's over him already. the term, "okay" most likely means she can get out of bed without dragging herself (although she might, but for some other reasons like work..hehe), or she can function "normally", whatever that means, or that she doesn't let the past consume her day. however, being over the guy is a totally different thing. it's the gray area in the world of breaking up. this friend i'm talking about is still haunted by the what if, the why, the how could this be questions that girls have to spend this lifetime and the next to talk about. it took awhile for me to come up with the right words, the kind that boost the spirit, but hey, i didn't go through it myself for nothing. i still keep with me a little notepad that friends of mine (these 2 girls included) gave me as a surprise when i was the one down in the dumps. aside from the fact that i'm thankful to have them as a support group, i'm even more thankful that we didn't get our hearts broken all at the same time! i cannot imagine what kind of a train wreck we'd all be with not one sane head..

getting over someone is indeed, a tricky thing. there's a song that runs through my head, "how can the same love that made me so happy/make me so sad/ i don't understand.." it pretty much sums up the confusion, the sadness, all the mixed emotions one has to experience in order to move forward. i don't know when my friend is going to claim, "i'm okay, and i'm over him" and mean it at the same time...it probably doesn't matter when. what does, is that she knows it isn't only a possiblity, but a reality that's just around the corner. i should know, i've been there..and if this is the cycle we have to go through to find our Mr. Right, i'm thinking he's going to be worth all the previous pains and hurts. that's something to look forward to, huh?

meet the friends

2005-02-13T02:43:00.000+08:00

spending time with friends never fails to make me happy. last night, i met up with my college friends and my newfound friends (my boyfriend's clique) somewhere far from kissing couples dressed in red.

almost a year after graduation, my college friends and i still find ourselves reminiscing about college--how easy it was compared to work (although when we were still in college, God knows how much we lamented over Philo papers, graded recitations, long exams... the list is endless), and how laid-back the lifestyle was (I can hear Howie in my head saying, "watsup, blockmates? just chillin'?") oh well, isn't it always that way? that everything in hindsight seems to be less end-of-the-world-like as we saw it then.

i remember in college, i often told myself, "just let this day pass, and i'll be alright," or "i hope when i open my eyes, this hell week's going to be a thing of the past..." and now i think of all those hell weeks i survived (and yes, we did look like we've been to hell and back with those dark circles under our eyes, signalling to our professors how badly we crammed the night before), all the papers i wrote (some while pretending to listen to another professor), and all those recitations where i silently prayed to all the angels and saints that, "please let me be called next time when i'm more prepared," (although i believe the phrase, more prepared, never got to be internalized...acted out, maybe, but never internalized...hehe). i think of all these and just end up thinking, "i loved college...everything about it: the people, the bench, the fact that when you say blue and white it's not just Mama Mary that pops in your head but a school that's given us another identity: the Atenean...ahhhh....i just loved everything about it...

but i guess, amidst the hustle and bustle of student life, it's the friendships that i formed that has brought me down the sentimental lane...and i figured, these people know me in ways that other friends i have can only imagine...and it is likewise with my high school friends who have their own college barkada...
i'm thinking that perhaps there is a sort of exclusivity when it comes to having friends...you have college friends, high school friends, friends from work, and God knows from where else...but the point is, different sets of friends, different experiences, and of course, different levels of friendship...

so when i was with my boyfriend's own barkada, i wasn't thinking that i had to be closey-closey to them (not that this is in my nature) if only for the need to fit in. i saw that there existed a certain history in the way they dealt with each other, the way they reminisced about their own experiences together, etc...and it's actually fun to be the new girl, like outside looking in...kind of gives me access to a past i wasn't previously privy to...like being let in on a secret without pressuring the other party to spill the beans...

anyway, his friends are great...one i caught eyeing us and said she was kilig and thought we were a cute couple...hehe...nobody said that about us before...i think they're happy for him, just like how friends should be happy for a friend who's found happiness (did that make sense?)...so if i make him happy, then i'm happy, too...oh dear, i think i've never used the word happy as frequently as i just did...what the heck, i love the guy..so sue me...

friends...old ones, new ones...a psych exam i took in college showed that i only consider a few people as friends (i'm a character...i choose only those who can stand me)...it probably is true..but for those i call friends, it doesn't matter how many times we talk about the same boring things (or people), how many times we pretend to look for a place to eat yet end up at starbucks...at the end of the day, i guess what's more comforting is the fact that the concept of forever makes sense when i say, "friends forever..."

2005-02-12T04:35:00.000+08:00

somebody's making me smile

valentine's day blues no more

2005-02-12T00:10:00.000+08:00

for the first time in my almost 22 years, i actually have someone to celebrate valentine's day with...well, okay..it's not like this is my first significant relationship, but it is, however, the only time that the guy's physically present. however, no matter how great things are going with us, im still looking forward more to the day following the 14th, the day i actually turn 22.

my boyfriend says i'm the only person in the world who has a countdown to her birthday...my friends don't disagree at all...somebody even said i was selfish for saying that the only day i look forward to in a year is my birthday!!! well, i really don't care much about that girl...i don't even know when her freakin' birthday is..not that i care...

so anyway, this tuesday is going to be the only day in the year that i can get away with almost anything...or at least i think that's how it works...i'm so excited though i know it's going to be as uneventful as the 14th for singles, or should i say, for singles who'd rather be attached...hehe...i don't care...i'm just happy i'm with someone i surprisingly love a lot...it's like the best birthday gift yet.

it feels great not to be part of the angst-filled, bitter-but-denying-it single crowd anymore (of course there's another single crowd, the one where the people are single but not lonely)...and as idealistic as i am, im thinking i'm not going to be part of that crowd again...well, at least not for a long time...